* Did you know seagulls will gulp down smaller, dead birds whole? They will. I saw this with my own eyes as I walked home from work this morning. Seagull cannibalism? Zombie birds? Zombirds? I am officially freaked.
* Zoraida is being profiled in an upcoming issue of Cafe magazine. The article refers to her 22-room mansion. "It's not a mansion," she says. Twenty-two rooms. Lord knows how many manservants. Probably six or seven indoor pools. Not a mansion, though. Makes me wonder if she'd refer to my 800 square foot apartment as a glove compartment.
* Need some extra cash? Sell your body. You can hock your locks at TheHairTrader.com, though the thought of shoving your hair in an envelope and shipping it across country is pretty gross. And men can make $14,000 a year as sperm donors. Turns out only 9% of applicants are accepted. The ideal sperm donor is "six feet tall, has blond or brown hair, blue or green eyes, medium complexion, medium build, is in college or is a college graduate and has dimples." Oh, and they have to love masturbation and bastard versions of themselves running around the country.
* Wal-Mart wants to build on a Civil War battlefield. Yes, Wal-Mart. Paving over the blood of patriots since 1962.
* Jedi wedding! Even an enormous certified "Star Wars" nerd like me wouldn't go there. So I'm not nerdy enough for "Star Wars" chicks, but clearly far too nerdy for the general female populace. Lovely.
* Need help changing your life? Check out Stickk.com. You put in your goal and pick a referee (a friend or relative) to keep you honest. As you progress, you send money to the site. If you complete your task, you get your money back. But if you fail, your money can go to a charity... or an anti-charity. Imagine not losing the weight you wanted AND you just sent $200 to the Bill Clinton or George W Bush Library fund (depending on which you'd hate more). That's some awesome motivation. I'm joining right now. My goal is to kiss a girl before I turn 40. Failure means $1,000 will fund PETA so they can continue their rampant attention whoring at inappropriate times. Pucker up, women of America!
* French people spend more time eating and sleeping than anyone else in the world. And when they're not eating or sleeping, they're surrendering.
* Those clowns running our parking meters admit they weren't ready to take over earlier this year. Such honesty! What's next, Todd Stroger admitting total and complete incompetence?
* The plan to save our network includes a sitcom from Chevy Chase, a man who hasn't made anyone laugh since 1989. Halley's Comet triggers chuckles more often.
* Shock! Van Gogh didn't cut off his ear. It was that douche Gaugin. Ugh! That guy ruins everything. He's like the Biff of the art world.
* Virtually every station in Chicago is going to start sharing news video. That's a great idea, since we all cover the same stories anyway. And you know what? We also write a lot of the same stories. So let's just have a small group of writers and producers do the work for all the stations. And we have so many anchors sharing the same stories. Let's just have one anchor. And sending photographers out is expensive. Let's just give our one anchor a window, and he can tell everyone what he sees outside. That also eliminates the need for a weatherman! I just saved our industry! Superior quality through haphazard downsizing is the new black.
* Fact: A school performs better when the principal can beat the students with a paddle. Hey, I may not be able to walk in a straight line anymore, but my principal did make sure I got straight As!
* Do not slap the karaoke singer's butt. You will only trigger a riot. And that delays your turn to get up there and belt out Journey's "Open Arms."
* Watching porn with two dudes nailing a chick makes a guy's sperm higher quality. Something to keep in mind as you bank that $14K a year, Dimples.
* Old age is more miserable for women. But I wonder if that study took into account the fact that men are forced to look at older women. And that makes us sub-miserable.
* 10 Best Places to Kiss. Incredibly, "the mouth" doesn't make the list.
* This is an actual commercial for an actual TV show. And it is one of the creepiest things you will ever see.