* Look what I made!
Interested in creating ye olde tapestry of thine own? Click yonder!
* Hey, when your office fridge gets so moldy and nasty that 28 people vomit and 7 go to the hospital... just abandon your office. Just move. Set fire to the place and run.
* Congratulations, my fellow Chicagoans! We live in the 2nd most overpriced city in the U.S. This just in: Every time you read this blog, you will be assessed a $12 amusement tax. Sorry.
* The first rule of Fight Club is, "Do not wear your Special Olympics medals while fighting."
* Epic goofball doofus Peter King chooses the Bears as the 4th best NFL team in his preseason power rankings. I think they'll be lucky to be the 4th best team in their own conference. I mean, this is the Bears we're talking about. You've got Jay Cutler, but who's he gonna throw to?
* Oral sex... wait for it... in a helicopter.
* The next big thing is weisure: Where your work and leisure life blur together. What kind of sucker would do work on his time off? (He wondered, typing from his home keyboard for no additional pay.)
* Chicago Police will receive performance reviews based on attitude. If they get bonus points for having the attitude of an enormous douche, the guy who towed my car will be Superintendent in no time.
* I do not like Dane Cook. I do not particularly dislike him, either. I find him the comedic equivalent of Muzak. He's everywhere. And he's harmless.
* Affluence.org is Facebook for wealthy people. To join, you have to get a financial screening. And once you're certified rich, you can enjoy all the social networking you like, without having to converse with disgusting, worthless poor people.
* There are two kinds of e-mailers. 1) People who forward stupid jokes. 2) Me.
* Script for the next "Twilight" movie is found in a dumpster, where it belongs.
* Tranny trolley driver in text trouble! (S/he was hired as a minority. Huh?)
* Vanessa Hudgens is ready to get naked in a movie. Coincidentally, I am ready to see Vanessa Hudgens naked in a movie.
* The FDA says Cheerios is a drug. Notoriously difficult to snort, though.
* Big Sister: Play with me.
Little Sister: No.
Big Sister: (click) Why don't you say that to the barrel of my gun?
Little Sister: Moooommmmm! She's pointing a loaded .38 at my face again!
* French kissing increases your risk of HPV, says a researcher who obviously didn't intend for me to read that since it doesn't apply and I should just shut up and go mope under a bridge with the rest of the dateless trolls.
* Sarah Palin signs a book deal... that is, a deal to place a book on her coffee table. Reading it would be too much of a time commitment.
* Predators avoid eating weird looking animals because of how freaky they are. This allows them to live on to be rejected by the females of the species. Double whammy!
* "American Gladiators: The Movie." Sign of the apocalypse: This is.
* Oprah communes with the common man, telling a group of students graduating into the worst hiring climate ever, "It's great to have a private jet." To be fair, she opens every conversation like that. Only the absurdly wealthy have any sort of response that clicks with her.
* That lump in your stomach is probably your parasitic twin that's been sitting there for 30 years. Why not "birth" him, keep him in a jar and give him a name?
* Indian man hasn't bathed in 35 years in a bid to have a son after seven daughters. Bet his wife is really looking forward to conceiving again.
* ZOMBIE FIRE ANTS! Because nothing feels better than having something hatch inside you, take over your brain and make your head fall off.
* At work, male bullies tend to boss around men and women equally. But female bullies pick on women 70% of the time. Unfortunately, the only way men get to see this is by subscribing to Cinemax.
* Old and busted: Raining cats and dogs. New hotness: Raining moose.
* I have no idea what's up with the sudden resurgence in Mr. T stories, but I'm not gonna complain. Here's the ten worst Mr. T-related items. I think I had that kite. It pitied lesser kites.
* You are hereby invited to see a mind-blowing show written by half of Whiskey Rebellion. It is incredibly vulgar, and incredibly funny. Curtain goes up a week from tonight. Details!