Can you spare $263,259.78?
* Conversation between Highlander Producer Carol and me this morning...
Carol: "You're not doing any stories on the space shuttle?"
Me: "No. Forget the space shuttle. All they do is run errands to the space station. Bring 'em new toothbrushes and stuff. Go to a planet, then I'll care."
* If you date three women a day, chances are, you'll find your bride pretty quickly. Given my luck and the current number of females on the planet, a 3-date-per-day rate would have me finding someone on day 1,128,467,439. (Do the math. It's legit.) I will not live that long.
* How do you know if you're addicted to your smart phone? Well, if you keep trying to snort it...
* Creepy 34-year-old twins have spent more than $96,000 on plastic surgery so they can continue looking like each other. That's $96,000 poorly spent. Based on the picture, they look like 60-year-old women.
* Swearing makes pain more tolerable. Which is why Lions fans like me spent the 2008 season bellowing one long F-bomb.
* The best way to make sure your lost wallet is returned is to put a baby picture in it.
* Great news, everybody! A top White House economic adviser says the worst part of the recession is yet to come! As a service to the community, my high rise is holding a jumping party today at noon. Meet on the roof.
* "When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies." (Somebody get me a girl and cut the power, stat!)
* Hearing the words "I love you" is worth $263,259.78. Hearing "I love you like a brother" is worth negative $40 trillion.
* What kind of dopey prison allows a guy to escape by pretending to be his twin brother. His non-identical twin brother. Who's the warden? Hayley Mills?
* Who wants to go to a sex academy where you can play with the erogenous zones of mannequins? Andrew McCarthy, put your hand down.
* Here we go again. Another story about how tall people make more money. At 5'8", I might as well start groveling at the ankles of my taller colleagues for the scraps off their tables.
* If the swimming pool makes you pregnant, you're doing it wrong.
* Is narcissism keeping you single? Or is it the whole "opposite-sex-hating-you" thing?
* How to be a leader, even if you have all the charisma of mildew.
* NBC could blow up Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics. Here's how. And you thought we could only ruin your enjoyment of prime time.
* Clothing stores are lying to you by labeling fatter clothes with smaller sizes. Here. Enjoy this unfunny cartoon of Cathy trying on a swimsuit.
* Arousal by statues, mannequins, dolls and effigies is called "agalmatophilia." It's one of 10 super-weird fetishes and... dammit, Andrew McCarthy! Get off. Get off the mannequin. It is not 1987. And it wasn't funny then, either.
* Fat men, blame your fathers. Fat women, blame your mothers. Mary Kate and Ashley, eat a cracker.
* I leave you with the coolest picture of the day...
