Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Can you spare $263,259.78?

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* Conversation between Highlander Producer Carol and me this morning...

Carol: "You're not doing any stories on the space shuttle?"
Me: "No.  Forget the space shuttle.  All they do is run errands to the space station.  Bring 'em new toothbrushes and stuff.  Go to a planet, then I'll care."

If you date three women a day, chances are, you'll find your bride pretty quickly.  Given my luck and the current number of females on the planet, a 3-date-per-day rate would have me finding someone on day 1,128,467,439.  (Do the math.  It's legit.)  I will not live that long.

* How do you know if you're addicted to your smart phone?  Well, if you keep trying to snort it...

Creepy 34-year-old twins have spent more than $96,000 on plastic surgery so they can continue looking like each other.  That's $96,000 poorly spent.  Based on the picture, they look like 60-year-old women.

ClipArt.comSwearing makes pain more tolerable.  Which is why Lions fans like me spent the 2008 season bellowing one long F-bomb.

* The best way to make sure your lost wallet is returned is to put a baby picture in it.

* Great news, everybody!  A top White House economic adviser says the worst part of the recession is yet to come!  As a service to the community, my high rise is holding a jumping party today at noon.  Meet on the roof.

* "When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies."  (Somebody get me a girl and cut the power, stat!)

Hearing the words "I love you" is worth $263,259.78.  Hearing "I love you like a brother" is worth negative $40 trillion.

* What kind of dopey prison allows a guy to escape by pretending to be his twin brother.  His non-identical twin brother.  Who's the warden?  Hayley Mills?

* Who wants to go to a sex academy where you can play with the erogenous zones of mannequins?  Andrew McCarthy, put your hand down.

* Here we go again.  Another story about how tall people make more money.  At 5'8", I might as well start groveling at the ankles of my taller colleagues for the scraps off their tables.

* If the swimming pool makes you pregnant, you're doing it wrong.

Is narcissism keeping you single?  Or is it the whole "opposite-sex-hating-you" thing?

How to be a leader, even if you have all the charisma of mildew.

* NBC could blow up Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics.  Here's how.  And you thought we could only ruin your enjoyment of prime time.

* Clothing stores are lying to you by labeling fatter clothes with smaller sizes.  Here.  Enjoy this unfunny cartoon of Cathy trying on a swimsuit.

* Arousal by statues, mannequins, dolls and effigies is called "agalmatophilia."  It's one of 10 super-weird fetishes and... dammit, Andrew McCarthy!  Get off.  Get off the mannequin.  It is not 1987.  And it wasn't funny then, either.

Fat men, blame your fathers.  Fat women, blame your mothers.  Mary Kate and Ashley, eat a cracker.

* I leave you with the coolest picture of the day...

Photo: BARCROFT MEDIA

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