Burris Rules: En Route to Senate Office

A different kind of senator

Here's what's in store for Roland Burris as he begins to fill out the last two years of Barack Obama's senate term.

- Will be assigned an office near the boiler in the basement while Obama's old office is preserved in shrink-wrap and formaldehyde.

- Will be assigned to the new Special Senate Subcommittee on the Paperwork Reduction Act and told to report back in triplicate in two years.

- As a "junior" senator, he must sit at the kids table in the Senate galley.

- As part of deal allowing him into the Senate, majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) has given Burris unlimited credit at the Bellagio and told him to take some time off.

- As part of the deal allowing him into the Senate, Bobby Rush has been given permission to chisel a new line into Burris's mausoleum: "First African American appointed by an impeached governor playing to the jury pool to the position of junior U.S. Senator from Illinois."

- All written references to Burris as a United States Senator must contain an asterisk.

- All spoken references to Burris as a United States Senator must contain "air quotes."

- If the country's fiscal disaster forces the Senate to file for bankruptcy, Burris will be the last creditor to get paid.

- Burris's wish to speak on Blago's behalf at his impeachment trial in the state senate was declined, as was Burris's wish to be named simultaneously to Barack Obama's former state senate seat.

- Burris agrees to hire the Jesse White Tumblers at a premium for his swearing-in.

- Burris will not be allowed to introduce a bill that would put Rolando Cruz back on Death Row.

- Burris is allowed to hold a fundraiser for Blago if he agrees to wear a wire.

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