Who Wants To Buy A Post Office?

Let the bidding begin

The United States Postal Service has announced that it will auction off its legendary Chicago facility straddling the Eisenhower Expressway - once described by the Tribune as a "monolith of mail."

In this market, just about anyone could get into the bidding and be competitive.

We've got a few ideas about who should be buying.

- Sears. Having bugged out of its famous and renamed Tower, the down-and-out retailer could reclaim a piece of classic Chicago real estate and move in all of its remaining assets, including its Auto Centers.

- LAZ Parking. Clearly our new parking meter overlords need to hire thousands of new employees to get the system working properly, and they're going to need desks.

- The City of Chicago's Department of TIFs. They've got to warehouse the money somewhere.

- McDonald's. Just about the only company in America making any money right now could remake the building into its largest restaurant yet, with dozens of drive-thrus and McRib year-round.

- Wal-Mart. Similarly, if Mayor Daley wants Wal-Mart in Chicago so bad, let them move in here. Being downtown would put Wal-Mart's labor force in close proximity to their second and third jobs.

- The Federal Bureau of Prisons. Housing convicted Chicago pols here would be good for the environment because you could just perp walk them down Congress from the federal building after their trials.

- The University of Illinois. Students rejected in lieu of clout admissions could be sent here to attend night school.

- Oprah. Because we're contractually obligated to include her name on every one of these lists.

- Rich Melman. A restaurant with a postal theme, including meals that arrive late or not at all.

- The United States Postal Service. If my mail delivery is any indication, they seem to need the extra capacity.

Steve Rhodes is the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, a Chicago-centric news and culture review.

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