While the dinner was “off-the-record,” we’ve obtained several details in our attempt to piece together this groundbreaking gathering.
Guests arrive:Limo Force One pulls up around 6:35 p.m. Obama exits limo looking down at his BlackBerry as he finishes setting his basketball fantasy team roster for total domination. Pauses to throw a hex on a photographer in the bushes.
Brooks and Krauthammer are already there; Brooks having arrived early to work on the seating chart and Krauthammer already working on his third whiskey sour and devouring a bag of pretzels he found in a kitchen cabinet.
Kristol shows up late after realizing he put the wrong date of the party into his calendar and is missing it. Then he gets Will’s address wrong and has his credit card declined when he tries to buy wine to bring. He is still welcomed warmly.
Dress: Obama wears a traditional Washington blue suit. Will, thinking it will make his honored guest more comfortable, wears a dashiki. Krauthammer is in a Milwaukee Bucks jersey. Brooks and Kristol wear dark blue suits. No one wears a flag pin, though Kristol wears a flag tie.
Decor: Will’s home is smartly appointed with Civil War artifacts and memorabilia from Porky’s. The floors are polished hardwood, though his bedroom features deep plush shag. The dining room table is shaped like his brain.
Musical selection: To make his honored guest comfortable, Will has hired Samantha Ronson as the night’s DJ and instructed her to play some of that “hippy-hop" music.
Cocktails: Only Rob Roys are served in the Will household, unless you bring your own like Krauthammer did.
Pleasantries exchanged: “Nice to see you, Barack.” “Nice to see you, George.” “Some weather we’re having.” “Yeah, it’s cold.” “How ‘bout them Cubs?” “I’m a White Sox fan, remember?” “Yes, well let me go see how dinner’s coming. I’ve got a pot roast in the oven you’re gonna love.”
H’or douvres: Velveeta on Ritz.
Surprise appearance: Joe the Plumber is actually there on a job, fixing a clogged drain in the master bath.
Guests are seated: In alphabetical order, with Democrats last.
Appetizer: Matzo ball soup.
Entree: Pot roast with mashed potatoes featuring a Rob Roy reduction; asparagus tips sharpened to a lethal point; and a homemade gravy served in boats shaped like the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Marie.
Topics of discussion: 40 percent Cubs; 30 percent White Sox; 20 percent great tax dodges they have known; 5 percent bailout bill; and 5 percent how much they hate Hillary Clinton.
Dessert: Cupcakes in the shape of flag pins; chocolate mousse in the shape of handguns.
Nightcap: Brooks has brought brandy. They toast Obama’s new membership in the Stonecutters.
Guests depart: Around 9:15 p.m. Will retires to watch the premiere of American Idol that he TiVo’d.