What Blago Will Say

Speaks today about impeachment

Besides vowing that he will continue to jog for the people of Illinois, here's our best guess as to what Gov. Rod Blagojevich will say this afternoon at a press conference scheduled to respond to his impeachment:

"Thank you all for coming. I've enjoyed having your cameras record my every move these last few weeks. Heh-heh."

"Ladies and gentleman of the media, and more importantly, people of Illinois, I want you to know one thing: I have done nothing wrong. I did my job and I'd do it again. You can't handle the truth. You want me on that wall! You [bleep]in' people. All you did was weaken a state today. That's all you did."

[clears throat]

"I have done nothing wrong, and I will fight, fight, fight these charges to my last breath. I'm dying - just dying - to tell you what really happened. And one day I will. Perhaps in a book with lucrative movie rights attached. Or maybe as an ambassador to France. But until then, I can assure the good-hearted working people of Illinois that I will continue fighting on your behalf.

"What you saw today was a political act, nothing more. I will not resign. Never. Even after my term expires. I am never leaving office. Unless the president-elect sees fit to bring me to Washington to serve the good-hearted working people of America the way I've served them here in Illinois. Or as ambassador to France.

"It's funny, but I'm just like Roland Burris standing at the schoolhouse, er, the Senate door. They don't want to let me in. But do they have the testicular virility to take this fight to the finish? Because I do.

"In closing, remember that in this great country of ours you are innocent until proven guilty. And even those proven guilty are sometimes innocent. And that's why this morning, just minutes after the impeachment vote, I signed an executive order not only extending the state's moratorium on the death penalty, but emptying out all our jails until we can reform our criminal justice system. I also have abolished the racist state senate, and I've written a letter to the president asking that George Ryan's sentence be commuted.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my new shrink."

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