Presidents' Day — Chicago Style

Today is a federal holiday honoring all United States presidents - even Zachary Taylor and George W. Bush. The following public services will be affected.

Government Offices: Just drop your bribes in the mail slots. Someone's nephew will come around to pick them up.

CTA: Trains and buses will run on their normal schedule - meaning erratically.

Parking: Under terms of the mayor's new deal, meters will have to be fed with 29 quarters every five minutes.

Banks: Bailout will continue unabated.

Schools: Public schools will be closed, and in fact, to save money schools will be closed on Mondays for the rest of the year.

Courts: Federal and state courts will be closed, but Cook County Holiday Bond Court will be open to process the inevitable hijinks that result from too much President's Day partying.

Waste Pickup: Normal trash collection -  if you've done your part for your alderman, of course. Otherwise, we never heard-a ya.

Financial Markets: Bailout will continue unabated.

Postal Service: Closed today. Tomorrow lines will be twice as long with half as many clerks working.