Northern Trust Bust

Bailout blunders multiply

It's bad enough that executives at Chicago-based Northern Trust threw a series of lavish parties in Los Angeles after receiving federal bailout money.

It's even worse that they had Sheryl Crow - ugh - perform at one these parties. (Hey Sheryl, was your check just signed over from the U.S. Treasury?)  

Most galling is that Northern Trust didn't even need our money - they were "participating" in the federal TARP program "as a healthy bank."

Given that Northern Trust has no need to use taxpayer money to actually, you know, make loans, we suspect that money is being used in a variety of other nefarious ways, such as:

  • Upgrade of program that steals a penny from every customer's account each week
  • Development of even finer print for all loan agreements and bank fees
  • Raises for staff mathematicians who have developed more sophisticated algorithms for charging interest
  • Added another jet to the corporate fleet; named it Sheryl
  • Funded research into ATMs that actually reach into your pocket and take your money
  • Launched takeover bid for Southern, Eastern and Western Trusts
  • Hired additional security to walk out the next 450 workers they fire
  • Approved new marketing campaign built around the theme "The bank you can trust."
  • Commissioned research on how to become a "sick" bank and get even more federal bailout money
  • Golden tees for qualifying executives

Steve Rhodes is the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, a Chicago-centric news and culture review. You can subscribe to his RSS feed here.

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