Ben’s Breakfast Blog

All Hail Air Guitar!

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* As promised, I attended the Chicago Air Guitar Championships over the weekend.  It was easily one of the best experiences I've had since I moved here.  (Disclaimer: I don't get out much.)

Chicago' s champion was Romeo Dance Cheetah, a man who looks like Russell Brand from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."  After his performance, women swooned.  I kid you not.  You'd think this guy had done more than play an imaginary guitar.  Watch this poorly shot video and judge for yourself.  (When the camera guy turns away, Romeo chucks his guitar in the air and starts moonwalking.)

As his name would suggest, Romeo exuded sex appeal.  When the judges said they were surprised the audience members weren't throwing panties, a sudden flurry of panties did, in fact, rain down on the stage.  They all had price tags on them, and they were thrown by Romeo's posse.  People in the audience also held up signs specifically for Romeo.  And this was my big problem with him.  Sure, he gave a shredding performance, but I think the judges were swayed by the plants in the audience.

My favorite of the night finished second.  Here's Tetrad, a man who loves his old school Nintendo.

Oh, yes.  That just happened.  You saw people throwing up "devil horns" to a dude playing an imaginary guitar to a rock version of the Tetris song.  I did hope the scrawny nerd would overcome the sex-charged Romeo, but it was not meant to be.  Tetrad lost to Romeo by just 0.2 points, so I hope next year will be more kind.

Lest you think everyone was a crowd favorite, we have Sexton Hardcastle.  From the moment this guy walked on stage, I smelled train wreck.  And when your shorts around your ankles keep tripping you, it's hard to rock.

What a disaster.

You guys, I am totally, 100% serious when I tell you that this night was hard core awesome.  When this competition rolls into Chicago next year, cancel all your plans and bring all your friends to see some serious air.  And if you are really brave, pony up the $20 and attack that stage yourself.  It might be one of the greatest nights of your life.  (Here's another blogger's take.)

* In other guitar news, here's former Poison frontman and current walking STD Bret Michaels eating a faceful of scenery at the Tonys.

* In some Chicago newsrooms, it's okay to slam dunk on a little kid and make him cry.  Not NBC5, though.

You are likely an adult virgin if... you don't drink, you go to church and you've never been in jail or served in the military.  Or if you produce an overnight newscast and think "air guitar" is cool.  Own it, friends.

* Fact: People choose their news so it fits their opinions.  That means viewers of my show must believe that awesome things must be seen more often.  I won't let you down, friends!

Is it okay to steal hotel amenities?  Depends.  Is money from other guests' luggage considered an "amenity"?  I like to think so.

* Since everyone's been laid off, they're all becoming DJs.  Wha?

* Don't you hate it when you're minding your own business and you're attacked by a flash mob wearing Hammer pants?  Me, too.

Hammer pants are making a fashion comeback if you believe this totally unbelievable article from ABC News.

Japan is being overrun by "herbivore men."  It's a generation uninterested in sex or money.  Asexual, basically.  I'm certainly not advocating a macho, d-bag existence, but you need to be manlier than that, guys.  At least try to act interested in girls before being shot down.

Bats recognize individual voices.  So you can't run.  They will find you!

* If you want your workers to be more productive, just threaten their jobs!  This bulletin brought to you by the consulting firm Machiavelli & Scrooge.

You can now tell the gender of your child in early pregnancy.  The world becomes "Gattaca" in 3, 2, 1...

Boys with the "warrior gene" are more likely to join a gang.  Boys with the pansy gene are more likely to get wedgies.

* Once upon a time, Molson gave their retirees 72 bottles of beer every month.  Now it's down to a dozen bottles a month.  Within five years, there will be no more free beer.  Molson retirees, aware of the concept of sobriety, are terrified.

The White House just added a bee hive.  Let's take a look at this 1978 movie to see if that's a good idea...

*Apparently my blog army listened and steered clear of "Land of the Lost."  It's being called the first "bomb" of the summer.  And which studio produced it?  That's right.  Universal.  Our sister company.  Between movies like this and TV shows like "I'm a Has-Been or a Never-Was, Get Me Out of Here," I'm thinking we need to take whatever ideas our execs have and just do the opposite.  Sorry, execs.  You know I love you.  But I love my unborn niece/nephew and we don't let him/her make programming decisions either.

* And finally, after six months of hiatus, "Ask Jason Piazza" is back, starring yours truly and a pair of friends...

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