The city of Chicago will receive $12 million in federal stimulus funds for what Mayor Richard M. Daley still calls "O'Hare Field," but he won't be allowed to use the money on his beloved $15 billion airport expansion. So what will the money be used for? We have a few ideas.
- $1 million off the top to John Daley to upgrade O'Hare's flight insurance program.
- $1 million to sew "Richard M. Daley, Mayor" on every piece of luggage before it comes down the chute in baggage claim.
- $500,000 to add lesser-known characters Stu and Chuck to the fake Cheers bar featuring animatrons of Cliff and Norm.
- Matching funds to Hewlett-Packard for its new kiosks that can tell you your flight is delayed in 19 languages.
- $1 million to the mayor's secret Stop Peotone fund.
- $1 million for the secret casino the mayor is building below Terminal 2.
- $5 million to extend the airport's toilet seat cover contract.
- $500,000 for a pilot program placing medians with flowers down the middle of O'Hare concourses.
- $100,000 to hire a prop jet to drop leaflets over Bensenville accusing Mayor John Geils of being a Commie.
- $500,000 to make the airport's TVs show only the mayor's YouTube channel.
Steve Rhodes, the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, thinks O'Hare should be renamed Willis Field.
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