The NFL needs an owner with some pizzazz. Someone willing to ruffle some feathers. Someone willing to make ball boys fetch him a sugar cookie. I got it! DIDDY! Why, oh why didn’t I think of it before? Here’s Sean Combs’ Twitter feed from last night. The extra exclamation points really drive the point home:
I will be the the 1st black man to be majority owner of a NFL football team!!!! BELIEVE!!!!!!! All things are possible through Christ!
You hear that, America? Not only will he be the first black owner in NFL history, he’ll be THE the first black owner in NFL history. He’ll be doubly definitive.
No NFL teams are currently for sale, of course. Though I understand the Jaguars are available should you meet Wayne Weaver’s secret asking price of a cord of firewood and six laser hair removal treatments. Combs’ net worth was estimated at $346 million as early as four years ago. No word on if that number has been drastically reduced due to the purchase of multiple diamond-encrusted yacht anchors.
On his own, he doesn’t possess anywhere near enough free capital to buy an NFL team, which costs about a billion dollars on average. There’s also the issue of NFL owners, the oldest and whitest of old white guy clubs, being wary of a young owner with a dubious legal past and considerable media notoriety.
But Diddy is dreaming big. So let us dream with him, America. What would an NFL team look like were it to be owned by the erstwhile Puff Daddy? I imagine the team would adapt the following features:
-Team relocated to East Hampton
-Fish eye camera used on stadium Jumbotron at all times
-No more cheerleaders. HONEYS. Lots of honeys.
-All offensive and defensive plays openly stolen from other teams, and from Sting
-No one in stadium allowed to make fun of Diddy’s underbite
-Admission price for Jennifer Lopez and family doubled
-Parking spaces widened to allow for customized Escalades
-All players forced to point skyward after scoring to acknowledge Biggie
-Opponents not wearing all-white uniforms turned away at stadium gate
-Team almost solely reliant on guest appearances
-All players cuts conducted live by Diddy at 4PM on MTV (weekdays)
-Gilbert Arenas brought in to lecture players about the utter coolness of openly displaying guns in the locker room
-Stadium beer vendors forced to sell Cambodian breast milk
Now tell me the NFL wouldn’t be a more enjoyable place with such a team in its fold. I support you, Diddy. I support you in your wildly inaccurate prediction that you made while drinking cognac in your penthouse at midnight last night. A Diddified NFL would be a wondrous place, indeed.