Cards Against Humanity is looking to hire a new CEO – but only one person in the world fits the bill.
The Chicago-based company behind the popular card game took out a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune and even listed the position on Craigslist in hopes of finding a new executive.
There's just one catch. Based on the job requirements, you basically have to be Barack Obama.
"Let's face it: we have no idea what we're doing," the job posting begins. "This year, we wasted an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get Hillary Clinton elected President, and on Black Friday we dug a huge hole in the ground because we wanted to find out if it would be funny."
(They really did - and raised more than $100,000 in the process.)
"It's been a great run, but now it's time for real adult leadership," the ad continues.
The requirements start generic enough, with "strong public speaking skills" and "steady disposition, remains cool under pressure" listed first. Then they start to get slightly more specific:
- Willing to inherit the consequences of eight years of irresponsible spending
- Excellent negotiator able to deal with stubborn opposition
- Experience hunting terrorist masterminds
- Minimum eight years experience President of the United States of America or equivalent nation
- Strongly prefer the first black editor of Harvard Law Review
- Must currently hold a national approval rating of 57.2% or higher
- Passed comprehensive healthcare reform
- Natural born citizen of the United States
- Proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint
"The ideal candidate will be excited to travel for work and be a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize," the ad reads.
So what's in it for the former commander in chief? The new CEO will get 51% of the company and the opportunity to set their own salary, as well as access to the office pantry "with unlimited almonds."
Though the former president has already announced plans to stay in Washington for another year, the company is offering paid relocation to Chicago anyway to sweeten the deal.
"Also, you can be our new Dad if you want (optional but strongly preferred)," the posting adds.
Cards Against Humanity is known nearly as well for their hijinks as their "party game for horrible people," having cornered the market on absurd Black Friday antics.
Aside from digging their aforementioned "holiday hole," the company also sold boxes of actual bull feces to more than 30,000 customers in 2014, with proceeds going to nonprofit organization Heifer International.
The following year, in lieu of a promotional deal, the company offered up the "Give Cards Against Humanity $5 Sale," raking in more than $71,000 by selling literally "nothing" for $5.
The haul was distributed among employees who spent it on a variety of hilarious purchases that included a suit of armor, several trips and thousands of dollars in charitable donations.
Even if he doesn't take Cards Against Humanity up on their offer, the former president and first lady plan to stay active in their hometown of Chicago, as the Obama Presidential Center will be located in the city's Jackson Park.