It's upon us again: Valentine's Day. Every Valentine's Day I see everyone around me in love and I always think the same thing: "This makes me sick!" For years I've tolerated nauseating Valentine's Day malarkey like the sappy Kay Jewelers commercials and you know what? I refuse to take it anymore! And no, this isn't one of those cliché rants about how V.D. is a bogus Hallmark holiday. Technically it's a woman's holiday. If it were up to men, Valentine's Day would be wiped from the calendar. Of course, in your presence he would probably say, "I don't agree with him, baby. He's a crazy person," but trust me, he secretly dreads the rapid approach of Feb. 14th. I work with mostly men and I see them stress over the whole gift-giving thing. It has nothing to do with the cost either; it's the significance. They know this year's gift has got to be better than last year's, because in a woman's mind a downgraded gift means your feelings for her have downgraded too. If you walk in with a bouquet of the finest flowers Jewel has to offer, don't expect sex from her any time in the foreseeable future. Ladies, why would you even want a gift anyway? The sincerity of it is watered down. Believe me it wasn't bought as a symbol of his affection for you. It's Valentine's Day. He's obligated. It's all because he doesn't want to get in trouble with you. Pretty romantic, huh? Valentine's Day isn't only miserable for people in relationships either. Some single people get all depressed because it makes them think about how much they wish they had someone to love. Next thing you know they force themselves into a relationship in haste. By mid-March they snap out of it and say, "Man, what was I thinking?" To avoid becoming a victim of the Valentine's Day massacre, I suggest you do what I do every year: celebrate an Anti-Valentine's Day Day. For starters, I never take a girl out on Valentine's Day. Not only is it to rebel against the V.D. establishment, but it's also so she doesn't get the wrong idea and think, "Wow he asked me out on Valentine's Day. He must really like me!" Another important aspect of Anti-Valentine's Day Day is to have hot uncommitted sex with a partner who hates the idea of Valentine's Day as much as you. My day, my rules. So the lesson here is to see Valentine's Day for the sham that it is. Ladies, don't get so hung up on things like overanalyzing his gift or wondering if he'll choose this day to say, "I love you" for the first time. In ancient Rome, on February 14th the men would run through the streets whipping women with bloody strips of sacrificed goats in a twisted mating ritual. Maybe if we brought back customs like that, Valentine's Day wouldn't be so popular. We can only hope, can't we?
