“On the East Coast, they have slaves and they believe in slavery and made in China.”

* Oh. My. Lord.

... and the Iraq and such as.

* 62% of people report sexual tension in their opposite-sex friendships.  The other 38% are gay.

* Someone is offering Amy Winehouse $800,000 to create her own perfume.  The challenge will be distilling the essence of ashtray, armpit and tooth decay.

* "Mad Men" yourself.  (I hear that show is awesome.  Never seen it.)

* "Don't taze me, bro!"
"Don't taze me, bro!"
"Don't taze me, bro!"

* 46% of Americans are more likely to buy a Ford because they didn't need a bailout.  But the Ford family owns the Detroit Lions, and they totally suck.  Do you really want to let such deranged people build the car you'll drive your family in?

* TiVo Alert!  That dating show about fat people debuts tonight.  Instead of a rose, this bachelor hands his ladies a can of frosting.

* Of all the drunken idiots, Penn State has the drunkenest idiots ever.

Handwriting is dying.  In my case, it's more of a mercy killing.

* Those dancing Filipino prisoners are at it again.  Think Andy and Red would've been so glum if Shawshank put on a musical number every now and then?

* Young French women are no longer sunbathing topless.  Between this and Dalet, the French are really getting me where it hurts lately.  (Inside newsroom joke.)

"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?"

* Women watch porn now.  Apparently this happened while I was sleeping.  What year is this?

* Everybody's new favorite blog: TextsFromLastNight.com

* Sex in a lightning storm: Awesome or scary?  (If you said, "Depends who with?" congratulations on your shallowness.)

What's with the creepy old dude in those Six Flags commercials?  Is it wrong that I want to attack him with a shovel, not so he dies immediately, but so he slowly bleeds out?

Bach is to graffiti artists as garlic is to vampires.

There are two kinds of single women: Those who refuse to go out with me and those who merely laugh at me when I ask them out.

Scientists create bacteria that can solve math problems.  What could possibly go wrong?

* Today's reason for airline panic: The smell of coffee.

* Since when did Madonna have her arms replaced with gnarled driftwood?

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