Monkeyfightin’ Snakes!

* Censorship fail.

* 12 Ways to make your love life sizze. (#7 - Dwarves and lube.)

* Sorbitol, the sweetener used in Extra and some other gums, is a laxative. So make sure you're within sprinting distance of a toilet whenever you chew gum.

* Good news for long-distance lovers. Inventors have come up with a device that records your body movements and relays them to your far-away lover as light beams. Kinda like humping the Bat-Signal, I guess.

* Everybody's favorite singing troll, Susan Boyle, has competition on "Britain's Got Talent." A 12-year-old kid got a standing ovation from Simon Cowell. (Video here.) You know, more people are watching clips of that show on YouTube than watch garbage like "Howie Do It" on actual TV. If some network exec were smart, he'd air the show here. And no, "America's Got Talent" is not the same thing.

* I feel bad for the guy who misspelled the sign for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg.

* Quote: "All I knew was that circumcision is something the U.S. does and Europe doesn't and is therefore awesome. Our penises are clean and sleek and new like Frank Gehry skyscrapers, while theirs are crumbling, ancient edifices inhabited by fat old men in hats."

* If calling 911 got you a date, two keys on my phone would be worn out by now.

* The more men drink, the less attractive a woman becomes. But if you drink so much you go blind, you won't have to worry about that.

* Finally! Underpants that make your junk look huge. Barbie's boyfriend, Ken, rejoices.

* If you have lots of friends, you're less likely to die. So Jay Mariotti is clearly living on borrowed time.

* Saddle up for the nude dude ranch. And be really, really careful with those spurs.

* Will a high IQ make you rich? Not if you stay on the overnight TV producing shift...

* Funny: Pretending to fall off a bridge.
Funnier: Then actually falling off a bridge, because you are a moron.

* Bad parents are confessing their failures online. My mother believes I am a walking example of her failure, so she has no need to blog about it.

* Q: When is it okay to hug your therapist?
A: When she is hot.

* The Bulls' logo, when flipped upside-down, looks like a robot reading a Bible on a park bench. Or something. Slow news day.

* Speaking of logos, my beloved but inept Detroit Lions gave theirs a makeover yesterday. Looks more fierce now, but I don't like the numbers on the uniforms - as they are italicized, they look like they're being blown off the players' jerseys. (Just as the players themselves were blown off the field last year.) I don't know if a new logo can change a team's fortunes, especially one as snakebitten as this one.

My idea was to remove the Lion logo from the helmet altogether - make them play in their throwback silver helmets until they earn the right to have a logo. To do so, they'd have to win a playoff game. That's happened just once in my lifetime.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the Lions' new logo appeared just two days after my first attempt at decorating a cake. I'm pretty proud of the first-ever edible tribute to absolute failure...