* Yesterday the anchors had to deal with some breaking news: Frickin' bears breaking into frickin' cars.
(That voice? Me.)
* For those of you who are blocked from viewing the blog at work, share this with your boss: Using the internet for personal reasons makes you 9% more productive at work. I knew all those hours spent at WhatBadgersEat.com would pay off.
* Science! Sisters make you happy. I have two brothers, which is why I spend my days scowling and punching stationary objects.
* Airline baggage handlers are stealing your stuff. But you already knew that.
* President Obama gave the Queen of England a personalized iPod and a rare songbook signed by composer Richard Rodgers. In return, the Queen gave Obama... a signed picture of herself. Weak.
In retaliation for the lame gift, the First Lady touched the Queen. Apparently that's a royal no-no. But you know what? You give a lame gift, you get touched. Yeah. How do you like that? Not so much? Here's some more. Yeah. The First Lady is touching you. Why don't you cry about it? Jerk.
* You know, I keep reading all these articles about how we'll eventually be able to have sex with robots, but I have yet to see a robot who desires carnal knowledge of my downstairs area. Where are these robots? How long before I can stop jamming it in the toaster?
* Would you respond to a Craigslist ad that said, "Wanted: Murder Victim"?
* If you were a huge bully when you were a kid, you will have more children when you grow up. Those gentle, kind children like me? We end up dying alone and our corpses aren't found for a good 18 months after the fact.
* A drug to lessen the ecstasy of kleptomania? How dare you? When I steal something meaningless, I overflow with joy. I refuse to take your drug... unless you lock it up and try to prevent me from stealing it. Then I will take it. And there's nothing you can do about it.
* Japan is paying unemployed foreigners to get the hell out of their country. Sweet! I'm gonna fly over to Japan and hold a cardboard sign until the government cuts me a check. ("Will be Ugly American for food.")
* You'll know your life has hit the skids when... you find yourself crying at the library. Any day now, we'll all be there. One giant pity circle. Surrounded by the judgmental eyes of the Dewey Decimal System.
* Coffee lessens the pain of exercise, so take a steaming Thermos of java with you to the gym today.
* If you were going to be federally indicted, would you go to Disney World? Rod Blagojevich did. Because he is frickin' nuts.
* Here's what to expect when puberty hits. Come on, body! Any day now...
* "American Idol" finally put weirdo Amy Winehouse impersonator Megan Joy out of her misery. Thank God. What a total loon. This season is quickly spiraling out of control. Can we get rid of that shrieking monkey Adam? He's always flipping his head open like a Pez dispenser, sticking his tongue out and hitting some glass-shattering falsetto note that sounds like it's being run through the rusted-out exhaust system of a 1983 Buick Century.
* Finally, I share this video from my friends and comic geniuses, Cook County Social Club. (Every Tuesday @ 8 p.m. at iO. You will love it.)