As the Stomach Turns

* After waking up late and rushing off to improv class, I was forced to eat McDonald's as it is one of the only late night food options available near the NBC Tower.  Now my stomach is distended.  It feels as though I have swallowed a bag of cement, which only now begins to harden.  The imitation meat is assaulting my small intestine and I fear the repercussions.  If only I could turn back the hands of time...

* Mimicking a scene from "Falling Down," a man shoots up a McDonald's drive-thru when they shifted to the breakfast menu and denied him the burger he craved.  Lesson Learned: A sawed-off shotgun usually gets you better service at a restaurant.

* The always-awesome Jeanne Moos reports on our crosstown rivals' dance sensation.  (Report here.  Uncut dance below)

* Your government in action...
Senator #1: "You are good."
Senator #2: "That's what your wife said."

* Let's have three cheers for bacon cupcakes!  Mike Nelson (hero of Bacon Stupidity Month) must be so proud.  I shall provide a 21 dry heave salute in his honor.

* My friend Dave was manning the camera for my old station when a laid-off worker beat the hell out of his boss.  I think if you're in danger of losing your job, you should just send this to your boss in an e-mail with the subject line, "Thinking of you..."

* The government unveils a new website designed to help you survive the crushing depression that follows a job loss.  And if you don't have internet access, just huff paint until your problems stop bothering you.

* There are some news stories, I am SO sick of: Car runs into building, Baby animal born at zoo, Naked pole vaulter runs through the streets of Paris...

Old and busted: Regular underwear.  New hotness: Loincloths.

* I don't know about you, but if a woman tells me she's wearing "massaging underwear," I have a hard time picturing the scientific merits.  Then again, if any woman took the time to tell me anything about her underwear, I'd probably faint.

* Time Magazine catalogues the history of the annual booze and flesh fest known as "Spring Break."  I took exactly one legit spring break trip.  The year was 1995.  I was a high school senior.  My friends and I went to South Padre Island, Texas.  It was roughly 50 degrees every day except the first.  That was the day I got the bright idea to lie on the beach without sunscreen.  When I woke up from an unintended nap, I realized I was in mortal danger.  My skin began to turn purple and harden.  Within hours, I had massive blisters bubbling from my chest.  I was unable to move as my skin had fused in the worst sunburn any human has ever experienced. 

Were there women who would have taken advantage of me?  I will never know, since I spent the rest of the week trying not to move and gingerly applying useless aloe to the molten surface of my skin.  I looked like Anakin Skywalker after his tumble into the lava of Mustafar.  (Based on that last sentence, I believe my chances with the '95 Spring Break Bunnies would have been nil, regardless of my terrifying sunburn.)

In college, my only Spring Break voyage was a solo road trip here to Chicago.  It was freezing.  I parked at Soldier Field and walked to the Loop.  All the stores were closed.  I stayed at the Motel 6 in Hammond, Indiana.  God, my life has been miserable.

* Sick of Zoraida always changing my scripts, I debuted a new segment today called "Zoraida Disapproves."  I just ran the stories I wanted to run, complete with Rob reading my amusing script, and Zoraida would shake her head and scowl.  For the final story, I chose "The Worst Song in the History of Ever."  A group of British Song writers called the 25-year-old "Agadoo" the absolute worst thing ever written.  If you watch the music video below,  you'll quickly discover why.  It is absolutely abysmal.  But when we played it, Zoraida loved it.  Between this and her love for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," I'm convinced I could smear vomit on a canvas and she'd hang it above her mantle.  (I love Zoraida, but her taste is awful.)

* It's about time someone asked... Why isn't anyone adopting American kids?  Anyone?  Angelina?  Madonna?  Octo-Mom?  Michael Jackson?  On second thought, orphanhood can't be that bad.

* Coolness: DIY magazines for 20 cents a page.  I think I'm going to launch the blog as a magazine and make you all subscribe.  I imagine Rob would be all-too-happy to volunteer as centerfold.

George Lopez believes America needs another talk show - this one starring his enormous, enormous head.  (Only now, with HDTV, can you fit his entire noggin on screen.)

* GMA host Charlie Gibson shares his recipe for Dorito Casserole.  This sounds simultaneously delicious and disgusting.  Maybe if I didn't have 3 pounds of McCement in my stomach, I'd be more receptive.

* The brilliantly funny Ricky Gervais talks about what makes people laugh.  Talking about inappropriate things with a Muppet will do the trick...

To comment, click the blog entry title and scroll to the bottom.  E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)

Ben performs this Wednesday at 8 p.m. with Whiskey Rebellion at the iO Theater.  Tickets are FREE.

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