* As promised during this morning's newscast, here is the Greatest Fight Scene Ever. Warning: This will ruin all other fight scenes for you forever.
* Why are athletes stupidly superstitious? Could it be because their entire livelihood rests on the bounce of a ball?
* Meet Blago's barber. He may be able to cut through that hair, but nothing can cut through Rod's B.S.
* Old and busted: Herbicide.
New hotness: A flamethrower.
* Run for your lives! The monkeys have escaped Chimp Island!
* Chicagoans have sex 73 times a year. To the gentleman who balances me out by having sex 146 times a year, I tip my cap. And I whimper.
* Have I posted this yet? Garfield Minus Garfield is genius.
And so it is, the only difference between a crazy cat owner and me is that I don't have an animal in the room while I talk to myself.
* If a man told you that Tarot cards predicted bad luck unless you had sex with him, would you fall for it? I would. Totally. Also, I would be mesmerized by his ability to make the sun disappear at night because the sky gods are angry for my lack of sex with him.
* Kid Rock's "American Badass Beer" apparently doesn't taste great, but it gets you buzzed. Gotta appreciate the honesty.
* It costs roughly $269,040 to raise a child from birth to their 18th birthday. This message brought to you by the National Abortion Council.
* Yes, you can get a loan by pledging your soul as collateral. Unless you are Kenny G, because he clearly has no soul.
* Now I understand my 5K slowness a couple weekends ago. I didn't eat and drink an hour before the race. Next time. Next time.
* The economy is so awful, many of our neighbors had to cancel their fireworks displays. As seen on Thursday's show, here's what else is getting the axe...
* Your beer belly is not the fault of your awful diet. It's your genetics. Also, put on a shirt, you disgusting slob.
* Cockroaches can get fat eating junk food. Nothing worse than antenna cankles.
* Do not complain to your jackass friends how you're worried about ending up with a million toasters as wedding gifts. Because your jackass friends will then purchase and wrap a bunch of toasters just to be jackasses.
* If there was a website that allowed me to rent college textbooks back when I was in school, my parents probably would have had the money to pay for my little brother's medicine. Oh, well. We miss you, Timmy.
* You might be able to get fit in just six minutes a week. Maybe. Sorta. Probably not. But maybe?
* How to stop hating your life because you're single. You mean there's an alternative to the ol' shotgun barrel to the mouth method?
* And finally, let's ask Jason Piazza how a girl will know if a guy likes her.
