In 2010, Tiger will apologize to America.
Lucky for Tiger, the public apology's become such standard fare (David Letterman to his staff, Michael Richards to black people, etc) that the path to absolution spreads out before him like a Pebble Beach fairway.
There will be a sex clinic, where Tiger will likely be forced to watch, Ludvico-like, twice-daily re-education screenings, like ABC's latest morality play, "How Tiger Met Your Mother."
And then he'll emerge, like that gooey, jaw-boning Geiger creature from Alien Resurrection, and speak once -- just once! He deserves his privacy! -- to a nation of gossip-hungry tweetbags.
But of all the national talk show hosts, who should Woods choose? Below, in descending order of likelihood, the candidates.
The Odds on Favorite: Oprah Winfrey
Oprah said Thursday she'd been trying to secure an interview. She has the experience with apologies (hi, James Frey), she won't attack Tiger, and her viewership is mostly women -- the demo Tiger really needs to apologize to, lest no husband be allowed to watch the Golf Channel in peace again.
The Easy Out: Bryant Gumbel, HBO's Real Sports
Besides bearing an analogous resemblance to Malcolm X, Bryant rocks the sympathetic sportsaholic fan base. Plus he isn't afraid to speak truth to power -- like when he said the Winter Olympics were whiter than a GOP convention, or when he told his wife he totally cheated on her. Boom goes the empathetic dynamite!
The Masochist Option: Katie Couric, CBS Evening News
CBS has the PGA contract, which doesn't expire till 2012. But Couric could turn vicious, and assume the mantle of aggrieved women everywhere. Or just ask him if he can see Russian strippers from his front porch?
The Poetic Justice: Ben Bradley, 60 Minutes
There's a certain poetic justice giving an interview to the people who revealed you to be an obsessive-compulsive, scarily focused 9-iron monster. Buuut on the other hand, CBS Golf Analyst David Feherty is a good buddy to Woods. So you know, bro down.
The Dry Goods: Larry King, CNN
If Tiger can hit golf balls, he can hit soft balls.
The Dark Horse: Matt Lauer, NBC's The Today Show
Lauer doesn't have the pull, the empathy, or the gravitas, but he recently interviewed the Salahis because
he's an awesome journalist NBC owns Bravo. And he also interviewed Cookie Monster. So he's versatile. Honestly though, if anybody at NBC got this interview, it'd be Bob Costas.
The Unlikely: Anybody at ESPN
ESPN has gone easy on Woods since this whole awesome affair started. They've got the fan base, but they don't have the show format.
The Why Not: Diane Sawyer
Perhaps she'd understand, in that grandmotherly way.