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Imagining Sam Adam Jr.'s Closing Argument

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Imagining Sam Adam Jr.'s Closing Argument
Jack Higgins

The Sam Adam Jr. Show, as Blagojevich’s lawyer immodestly calls his closing arguments, is coming to the Dirksen Federal Building today. Based on his performance at the R. Kelly trial, and his statements about Blagojevich during this trial, here’s what we can expect:

“The man you see sitting before you at the defendant’s table has many roles. He’s a husband to Patti, a father to Amy and Annie, a former public servant to the people of this state. But most importantly, he’s an idiot. (Pounds table.) Rod … Blagojevich … is … an … IDIOT! My father has been practicing law for over 40 years, and he has told me … REPEATEDLY … that Rod Blagojevich is hands down the stupidest client he has represented.

“Let me tell you exactly how stupid Rod Blagojevich is. Rod Blagojevich is so stupid that given the opportunity to appoint a United States Senator, he couldn’t figure out how to get anything out of it. Yes, a U.S. Senate seat is “f-----’ golden.” But not if you’re as dumb as Rod Blagojevich. You heard the tapes. What did he get out of it? NOTHING! Not a single dime. If you asked Rod to make change for a dollar with the money he took while he was governor, he couldn’t do it.

“Have you ever seen The Honeymooners? Rod Blagojevich is just like Ralph Kramden. Ralph Kramden had a get rich quick scheme in almost every episode. But did Ralph Kramden ever get rich? NO. HE. DID. NOT! And neither did Rod. Did Ralph Kramden have a big mouth? YES. HE. DID! Ralph Kramden was the biggest blowhard in the history of television. But he wasn’t a criminal. And Rod Blagojevich is the biggest blowhard in the history of politics, but he’s not a criminal, either. If you can’t find Ralph Kramden guilty, you can’t find Rod Blagojevich guilty, either.

“And finally, let’s talk about Elvis. Rod Blagojevich idolized Elvis. All his life, all Rod wanted to be was a famous guy with great clothes and great hair. And he achieved that. So he spent $200,000 on clothes. So what? Is looking good a crime? So he tried to get a job in President Obama’s cabinet. Is ambition a crime? Elvis was good-looking and ambitious, and he wasn’t a criminal. So neither is Rod.

“Rod Blagojevich is stupid, bigmouthed and vain. The tapes you heard proved all that. But at the same time, they proved Rod Blagojevich is too stupid, bigmouthed and vain to be a criminal. Unless you vote ‘Not Guilty,’ you’re as big an idiot as my client is.”

 

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