Dear Jon Stewart,
What the heck, man? Why'd you go and diss our pizza like that? Totally uncalled for.
We're the second city. Winter here really stinks. Our football team clings to a championship it won nearly 30 years ago. Our politicians are corrupt.
But there are a couple things that make us proud. Tall buildings, endemic foodstuffs and an eagerness to give directions to strangers.
Our city just lost one of its points of civic pride -- having the tallest building in the country -- and you decide to kick us when we're down, by insulting another icon of our city -- the deep dish pizza?
Mid westerners watch your show, too, Stewart. We're hurt and confused about your hyperbolic language. Eating Chicago pizza is "like having sex with a corpse made of sand paper" ...? That's going a little too far, pal.
Never mind that it's mostly tourists that eat that stuffed 'za; its our thing. We're not in competition. You didn't have to disparage this delicious dish the way you did on Wednesday night. Who cares if it's a casserole? We're proud of it.
Surely New York City is the creme de la creme of cultured living, what with its fascinating garbage-on-the-street motif, Naked Cowboys in Times Square and multitude of jerks.
You should apologize for that elitist rant. That attitude is exactly what the rest of the country deplores about New Yorkers.
Oh, by the way: the Freedom Tower -- that building that just cheated its way to tallest building in America status -- y'all had to get a Chicago architect to design it.
But we're not bragging; that's your thing.
P.S. Colbert is funnier.