* If your perfume sends 34 people to the hospital, consider sealing your entire body in a giant plastic bag before coming to work.
* Todd Stroger's cell phone number hits the internet. When you call it, you are automatically assessed a 3% tax on your phone bill.
* At one British pool, they've outlawed swimming the length of the pool. You can only swim the width. Why not drain the thing and make everyone sit quietly on the side?
* Jay Mariotti makes babies cry. Obviously.
* Answers to the Rorschach test hit Wikipedia. When you see the inkblots, identify them in the following order...
1. A tree.
2. The sun.
3. A shark.
4. My mother's vagina, which I hate and is the root of all my problems.
5. Santa Claus.
* Bad: My allergy to penicillin.
Worse:This mother's allergy to her own baby.
* Here's how to keep your children from ruining your marriage. (Step #7 - Lock your children in a sound-proof dungeon in your basement.)
* I used to think Kelsey Grammer was cool. Then "Frasier" jumped the shark, he showed up in the worst "X-Men" movie and he started talking to dead people. Hey, Kelsey, which dead guy advised you to be in "Swing Vote"?
* Whatsherface will be back on "American Idol" next year. And the world exhales.
* How to stop going nuts. For one, reconsider that scrapbook full of scabs you've been working on.
* This is terrifying: Shiantology.
* Okay, I can totally understand getting caught raping a horse once. But twice? That's just carelessness.
* Why is a cat riding the bus every day for four years? Looking for that chicken that crossed the road, perhaps?
* If I were a shopaholic, I think I'd rather enjoy dying under a pile of my own purchases.
* Yes, taller people are happier than you. Why don't you go back to the Shire and cry about it?
* In the game of Buzkashi, teams on horseback compete for the headless carcass of a goat or calf and throw it into a goal. Rex Grossman sucks at this, too.