Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Who's up for a friendly game of Buzkashi?

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* If your perfume sends 34 people to the hospital, consider sealing your entire body in a giant plastic bag before coming to work.

Todd Stroger's cell phone number hits the internet.  When you call it, you are automatically assessed a 3% tax on your phone bill.

* At one British pool, they've outlawed swimming the length of the pool.  You can only swim the width.  Why not drain the thing and make everyone sit quietly on the side?

Jay Mariotti makes babies cry.  Obviously.

* Answers to the Rorschach test hit Wikipedia.  When you see the inkblots, identify them in the following order...
1. A tree.
2. The sun.
3. A shark.
4. My mother's vagina, which I hate and is the root of all my problems.
5. Santa Claus.

Bad: My allergy to penicillin.
Worse: This mother's allergy to her own baby.

Here's how to keep your children from ruining your marriage.  (Step #7 - Lock your children in a sound-proof dungeon in your basement.)

* I used to think Kelsey Grammer was cool.  Then "Frasier" jumped the shark, he showed up in the worst "X-Men" movie and he started talking to dead people.  Hey, Kelsey, which dead guy advised you to be in "Swing Vote"?

* Whatsherface will be back on "American Idol" next year.  And the world exhales.

How to stop going nuts.  For one, reconsider that scrapbook full of scabs you've been working on.

* This is terrifying: Shiantology.

* Okay, I can totally understand getting caught raping a horse once.  But twice?  That's just carelessness.

* Why is a cat riding the bus every day for four years?  Looking for that chicken that crossed the road, perhaps?

* If I were a shopaholic, I think I'd rather enjoy dying under a pile of my own purchases.

* Yes, taller people are happier than you.  Why don't you go back to the Shire and cry about it?

* In the game of Buzkashi, teams on horseback compete for the headless carcass of a goat or calf and throw it into a goal.  Rex Grossman sucks at this, too.

Picture: AFP/GETTY

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