* Tom Hanks, eat your heart out.
* NBC had so few viewers last week, we only bested Univision by a million people. Tune in tomorrow for the hot new show "Test Pattern," starring no one.
* Weezer is coming out with their own Snuggie. Weezer has a fatal case of awesome.
* 300 people applied for a job as a hermit. The guy chosen will spend 40 consecutive days alone in a tower. While totally secluded, he will write a blog. So basically, this guy is getting paid to live my life.
* Cancer drug makes your fingerprints disappear. In other words, cancer patients are now the most perfect criminals on Earth.
* Freddie Prinze Jr. is joining "24," which makes me incredibly glad I stopped watching.
* A 5-year-old girl raised by cats and dogs? Man, Russian day care is substandard.
* Drew Peterson calls a radio station and acts COMPLETELY INNOCENT. (Hear his "jokes" here.) He says he misses trimming his mustache and nose hairs... and he misses murdering his wives (ALLEGEDLY).
* Be careful who you say, "Bite me," to. They may take you up on your offer.
* Glowing monkeys give birth to glowing monkey babies. Yay, Science?
* American diets are getting worse. Go ahead and finish your can of frosting before clicking the link.
* "Can you remove that American flag? It is offensive to me as I am a total douchebag."
* Idiot yoga zombies are blowing $100 on a mat. Yes, a mat. As in, a little thing you sit on. $100. If I spent $100 on a mat, it would have to come with a hot girl attached.
* Teenagers are hugging. Everywhere. All day. They do it to confound adults, I'm guessing.
* Apparently, human breast milk fights cancer. But I'd rather die of cancer than drink my daughter's breast milk.
* Japanese horror author writes his latest work on nine rolls of toilet paper. When the story ends, the real horror begins... because the roll is empty and you're still on the toilet.
* 80% of Britons would choose a good night's sleep over a night of sex. And 100% of this blog's authors sleep as long as possible to avoid thinking of the sex they're not having.
* I leave you with this video of a cannibal baby.