* Best graduation speech ever.
That's comedian Eugene Mirman, my new hero.
* 10 Things a grown woman should never have. (#8 - A penis.)
* 18 Things a grown man should never have. (#13 - Slaves.)
* Bret Michaels broke his nose when he got clocked by that scenery. (See yesterday.) That is hilarious. Every rose has its thorn, Bret.
* NBC has launched TheGrio.com. It's "a site focused on news and video appealing to African-Americans." Welcome to the internet, where re-segregation is all the rage. I don't get this. Are "black" news stories different from "white" news stories? If the mainstream media are so blind that they're missing enormous stories in our communities, then they fail. A good story is a good story, no matter the source or the subject.
I'm still baffled as to why I haven't seen a news story about how the Englewood neighborhood is essentially a Kill Zone™ for Chicago gangs. We've spent more time reporting on Father Pfleger turning his flag upside down than we have chronicling the city's astounding child murder rate (the reason he flipped the flag in the first place).
My theory is twofold. One, we don't have the money or resources to devote to a long-term project like that. Two, we steal all our stories from the newspapers, and if they ever did the story, we wouldn't have video or soundbites to attach to our stolen version.
But I guarantee you, if we embedded a reporter in Englewood for a week, you would have some heartbreaking, compelling, award-winning, ratings-grabbing stories. Or we can just stand aside and hope The Grio does the job for us.
* Americans need more sleep. So stop waking up for the morning news and go back to sleep. Did I just say that? I mean... uh... the morning news is super-important. More important than sleep. Without the news, you would be stupid and impotent. Watch us. Watch us at all costs.
* Sweden's Pirate Party wins a seat in the European Parliament. Yes, but who will be the first software pirate in the White House?
* The 10 worst work habits. (#7 - Making love to the paper towel dispenser.)
* It was only a matter of time. Finally, we have topless pictures of Britney Spears. (Link SFW.) Unfortunately, the pictures are lame. TMZ put their traditional red stars over the nipples, and it's not even like you could see anything anyway since Brit has temporary tattoos covering the naughty bits. Sorry for wasting your time.
Upon further review, on a site without the red stars, my time has been doubly wasted. You saw more from Janet at the Super Bowl. Don't bother.
* Adam Lambert will come out of the closet in an upcoming Rolling Stone. Okay, we don't know that for sure, but... we basically know that for sure. And guess what. No one cares. Unless Harrison Ford or Sean Connery comes out of the closet, I'm not surprised about anyone being gay anymore. Is anyone? I don't care what you choose to insert your parts into... unless it's the paper towel dispenser. Knock that off.
* The Washington Post wants Roland Burris to resign. I think a more fitting punishment would be to enact legislation so whenever people call him "Senator," they are legally required to use "air quotes."
* Here's your chance to be in the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" flick. Yay! I wanna be Skewering Victim #14!
* According to a Zagat survey, McDonald's has the best fries. That's false. I think McDonald's has the worst fries. I like my fries soft and thick, ergo, Wendy's. Arby's curly fries should be exempt from consideration because they are their own separate beast.
* Here's how to get those six-pack abs you want. (Commit act of terrorism, be sent to Guantanamo, voila!)
* President Obama is making all other husbands look terrible. "Honey, why can't you get awesome tickets to a Broadway play and dine at all the fanciest restaurants and take me on a private jet to Paris like him?"
* What not to wear to work. (Pants. They're overrated.)
* I've seen a lot of stories lately about how you can use Twitter to get a job. I believe these to be total and utter fabrication. Sure, it's good to network, but Twitter is useless for that. "Going to the store." "Doing laundry." "Drinking the hell out of this milk." How will this get you employed? Just once, I'd like to see an article on how to get hired from someone who was unemployed and now has a job.
* Staying on the Twitter beat, the website HistoricalTweets.com imagines what Twitter would look like if famous people in history had access to the site. The Blago entries are classic...