United Airlines just announced that fat people will have to buy two seats to accommodate them or risk getting bumped from sold-out flights. We've learned that United is considering these additional new pricing measures.
- AIG executives will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate their bulging wallets.
- Sam Zell will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate his shrinking but still sizable ego.
- Todd Stroger will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate his incompetence.
- Rod Blagojevich will have to buy extra seats to accommodate his hairbrush, his indictment, and his psychiatrist.
- Woody Harrelson will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate a paparazzi zombie.
- All paparazzi zombies will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate Lindsay Lohan.
Local
- All Illinois politicians will have to buy extra seats to accommodate their ill-gotten gains.
- All revelers flying in for the South Side Irish Parade will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate their bail bondsman.
- All Cook County workers must be an extra seat to accommodate their ghost payrolling colleague - even if the seat remains empty.
- All Chicago aldermen will have to buy an extra seat to accommodate their handler from the mayor's office.
Steve Rhodes is the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, a Chicago-centric news and culture review.
