Filed under: AFC East, AFC North, AFC South, AFC West, NFC East, NFC North, NFC South, NFC West, NFL Fans, NFL Gambling
Road Chalk and Alaskan Pipelines is Will Brinson's NFL gambling column at FanHouse. Because everyone loves a loser.
And what a loser I narrowly avoided being. Or, alternately, "7-9 doesn't make me that big of a loser". Even if Brandon Lang went three for three. The real problem though, is that I didn't just stick with my "Take All the Favorites" philosophy, which would have netted me an 11-5 week (and would have been 12 if not for that whole Tom Brady thing.)
So, yeah: Season Record (7-9)
I also figure I'm going to pick three STONE COLD TUNGSTEN PIPERS (caps for effect!) each week. Those will be highlighted by an asterisk. And I suppose it would be unfair to go back and pick them for Week 1. I know, I know. It seems silly. But if I get ice cold/white hot, you should make some money. And that's all that matters.
Remember, each week is a season unto itself, or some crappy motivational phrase like to make me forget a sub-.500 Week 1.
Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5)
Oh, the freaking horror. This will be similar to the Lions - Falcons game last week in that it could end up being a blowout and yet, no one will watch. The Chiefs have Larry Johnson, who I hate, but who should get a pair of touchdowns against the Ray-dahs. That and Dwayne Bowe continuing the league wide posterization of DeAngelo Hall seems like enough to take KC.
Chiefs -3.5
Tennessee Titans @ Cincinnati Bengals (-1)
Ugh. Again. It won't be pretty, I can imagine, but with the Titans defense playing with a chip on its shoulder and I could see Chris Johnson rushing for 240 yards as ECU moves up to first in nation. Such is my life. Also, just because they're 1-0 doesn't mean we should forget about the Bengals being, well, very bad. Plus, Kerry Collins is secretly better than Vince Young. There. I said it.
**Titans +1**
Indianapolis Colts (-2) @ Minnesota Vikings
So now Indy's defense -- which already looked porous against the run on Sunday -- just got more susceptible to a team that can pound the rock with great voracity? Fortunately for the Colts (or perhaps unfortunately), the Vikings might not bother passing once in this game, so at least they can try and stack the line. Won't matter.
Vikings +2
New Orleans Saints (-1) @ Washington Redskins
So ... what you're telling me is that all the Saints have to do is win? Normally, Marques Colston's injury would make me very, very skeptical. But did you see last Thursday's game? Washington needs offense to win, and the Zorn Star has none of that.
Saints -1
Green Bay Packers (-3) @ Detroit Lions
The Packers are slightly better than the Atlanta Falcons. There should be no pause here. Simply select the Packers and move on. Bonus: Road Chalk.
Packers -3
Chicago Bears @ Carolina Panthers (-3)
The Bears looked great on Sunday night, but I think that's more of a by-product of the Colts not being as good as we thought. Yes, Kyle Orton isn't as horrible as I originally was led to believe, but the Panthers are going to exceed even my expectations. Okay, not that much, but 2-0 without Steve Smith would be ridiculous. Sorry, will be ridiculous. Fixed.
**Carolina -3**
New York Giants -9 @ St. Louis Rams
That, folks, is a lot of points for a team on the road. Even the defending Super Bowl champion, coming off a dominant win against a division opponent and traveling to the play a team that could be the worst team in the NFL. Still, even I don't like RC that much. I'm going
gamble and take the Rams again this week and bank on the Giants being overrated.
Rams +9
Buffalo Bills @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-5.5)
LOCK. JOB. Seriously, holy frigging lock job. People are still overrating the Jaguars -- they have tremendous issues in the trenches -- and seriously underrating the Bills. I'm not sure what it stems from, but -3 would be a fair line here, because Buffalo is actually that good. Personally, I think they win outright and I'll be taking the money line here as well. In my money line picks pool because I don't gamble thank you.
**Bills +5.5**
Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7)
This is not exactly the class of the NFC South, which is not exactly the class of the NFL, and you probably don't want to get stuck watching this game. This line, before the season, would have been Tampa -11, but people are thinking that the Falcons are "Fa Real" because of their Detroit decimation last week. Good news: They are not quite as bad as we thought. Bad news: They are certainly not that good. Better news: Brian Griese, Tampa starter, is just two years removed from this:
No. He was not starting.
Falcons +7
San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks (-7)
How can I possibly spot a team starting Courtney Taylor and Seneca Wallace at wide receiver a full touchdown? I just can't. At least the Niners have Frank Gore.
49ers +7
Miami Dolphins @ Arizona Cardinals (-7)
I want to call the Cardinals my sleeper of this season, but since everyone has been doing that for 12 years now and I already have the Bills bandwagon rolling, I'll just take free money instead. Miami competed with the Jets, which makes this line coupled with the next one, pretty odd (Arizona would be a how many point favorite over the Pats at home?). However, the Cardinals defense will score twice (that's right!) on Sunday and this ends up being a blowout.
Cardinals -7
New England Patriots @ New York Jets (-1)
First time the Pats have been dogs in seven years or something ridiculous. (Seriously, it's like three years. That's nuts.) And all because of Brett Favre. Well, no thank you. I like Thomas Jones a lot this week and I think this game will be close, but I also think we'll be talking about Matt Cassel on Monday for taking down the Jets. Plus, Pats as dogs ... gotta take it while you can.
Patriots +1
Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans (-4.5)
I'll take the Texans because the Ravens just lost to the Bengals, but Ike is throwing punches, so anything could happen.
Texans -4.5
Brandon Marshall Jay Cutler John Elway
Chargers -1
Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) @ Cleveland Browns
How can you possibly take the Browns? Pittsburgh looked like the best team in the NFL and Cleveland got whipped by the Cowboys. Plus six point favorites on the road against a team I loved before this year? Yeah. This is a total and awesome recipe for disaster. No one will (including me) will pick the Browns and they'll win outright. Watch.
Steelers -6
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-7)
Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb used to play together. Did you hear? Just like Pacman said, the Eagles got fat on the Rams last week and find out that they are in fact the worst team in the NFL.
Cowboys -7
