* Your first stop today is my review of last night's "American Idol." My hatred for Adam cannot be quenched.
"Elfin weirdo Adam Lambert is up next. His hair is no longer combed over his forehead, which may suggest fewer emo theatrics than we've had in recent weeks. He's singing 'If I Can't Have You.' It starts alright, but when he hits his upper register, his voice turns into a raspy version of Beaker from the Muppets." (More...)
In other "Idol" news, Simon Cowell says he'll quit the show if it ever slips from its perch atop the ratings. Paula, on the other hand, says she will ride it into the ground, until the only people watching are the pedestrians walking by as she judges pigeons on city streets.
* Here's what you would need to do to become a real-life Batman. Don't forget the scantily-clad sidekick to make everyone roll their eyes.
* Before you send out that sympathy card, make sure she wasn't faking her miscarriage with "animal tissue." (If they don't make a "Condolences on Getting Busted Faking Your Miscarriage" card yet, they should.)
* Alaskan children taunt a baby møøse to death. Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti... but that is no reason to taunt a møøse.
* Todd Stroger isn't embarrassing himself at all. He knows exactly what he's doing. Nobody panic.
* Breakdancing is dangerous, says this article stuck behind someone's desk for the last 25 years.
* Meet Trenita. She's looking for love and she really, really, really loves Nine Inch Nails.
* "How exactly does a 40-year-old man explain to his wife that he might have torn his rotator cuff during a midnight game of Wii tennis?" Probably beginning with the words, "Honey, I'm an enormous wuss..."
* A frantic, stupid mother wonders if her child is too young to see "Star Wars." I saw it as an infant and it cemented my nerdly path thereafter. Every parent should make their child watch "Star Wars" early. Children who become unhinged fans have a zero percent chance of an unplanned pregnancy, since people of the opposite sex will shun them in adulthood. I know.
* You can be arrested for leaving your 4-year-old in the car while you go off to have sex. So please, take your toddler with you and make him face the corner.
* 1 in 3 kids fears the world is doomed. The other two are too stupid to realize it.
* What's worse - being caught trying to steal a car or pooping your pants when the cop shows up?
* What happens when a woman hires a stripper to impersonate her at her high school reunion? Not as much as you'd hope. But there was some near-nudity and a pseudo lap dance involved.
* When you want to renegotiate with your employer in France, the first thing you do is to take your boss hostage. I tried this once and the company brass just laughed. "Go ahead," they said, "we were going to hire a cheaper replacement anyway."
* Music pirates buy more music. Keep on suing 'em, RIAA. When you've put them all behind bars, they'll buy even more tunes.
* Florida woman attacked by 200-pound wild hog. Not to worry, though. The hog is expected to be back co-hosting "The View" this morning.
* Doppelgänger Alert! We got this e-mail yesterday...
HELP......PLEASE......I need a copy of the picture you use for your 4:50 am station break...the man asleep on his computer keyboard. This is s TWIN of my wonderful son-in-law whose birthday is May 1st, who ALSO falls asleep like that. Could you PLEASE send me a copy... I will pay you ANYTHING so I can give this to him for his birthday.
She's referring to this picture we show every morning...
That's me draped over the keyboard. Web Czar Marcus wanted me to look unshaven and disheveled. (Done and done.) And he wanted to make it look like I'd passed out at the computer. So I hate to break it to this woman, but I've never fallen asleep on my keyboard for real.
One time in college, I fell asleep with my thumbs pointed up and the rest of my fingers laced together. My head rested squarely on my thumbs and I woke an hour later unable to move them. Without use of my opposable thumbs, I was reduced to a lower member of the animal kingdom. Doorknobs scoffed at me. It was humiliating.
I don't know what to take away from this woman's e-mail, other than the fact that I have an evil twin running around. (Or I may be the evil one, I'm not sure.) Oh, and this guy got married, so apparently people like me aren't doomed to a life of single solitude, hiding indoors and fearing melanoma. Or maybe he married the only girl who could stomach being with a guy like that. Congratulations, Evil Twin.