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Weekend Watch List: Miss USA! Survivor! Yelling!

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home, think about going to see “Robin Hood,” then read the reviews and decide to save $10 and watch “Gladiator” on DVD for the 90th time instead. AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!! LET’S GO!

    KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – 9:00PM Friday (FOX) Gordon Ramsay is back to taste your restaurant’s food and tell you it’s terrible. My favorite part is the kitchen inspection. If you've got mold, Gordo is gonna find it. IT’S BLOODY ROTTEN! Tonight, Gordon helps a down and out sushi restaurant. And man, if there is one kind of food you do not want handled by someone sloppy and passionless, it’s your raw blowfish. ANTICIPATION: YELLING!

    WIFE SWAP – 8:00PM Friday (ABC) According to my guide, “A free-spirited mom trades places with a mom who caters to her husband and son’s every whim.” Oh snap. Where can I get that second mom? She sounds cool. ANTICIPATION: CRUMMY PARENTING!

    20/20 – 9:00PM Friday (ABC) An adopted woman learns her birth mother was convicted of shooting her kids. Whew! Bullet dodged! ANTICIPATION: EVEN CRUMMIER PARENTING!

    SURVIVOR: HEROES AND VILLAINS – 8:00PM Sunday (CBS) It’s the season finale, and it’s two hours long, with a one-hour reunion special airing immediately afterwards. Followed by a preview of SURVIVOR: DAVE AND BUSTER’S, in which parents must outlast one another at a birthday party held at Chuck E. Cheese’s evil older brother restaurant. ANTICIPATION: RICH DIRTY PEOPLE!

    MISS USA PAGEANT – 7:00PM Sunday (NBC) Curtis Stone and Natalie Morales host, and I really do not know who either of those people are. Natalie Morales is the lead singer of 10,000 Maniacs, right? No? Well good, because I hate that band. Anyway, tune in to see who wins, then gets stripped of her title for denouncing gay marriage and appearing in an amateur porn vid. ANTICIPATION: HOT GALS!