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Tuesday Watch List: Paula Abdul Returns

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch at home while you suffer through Day 5 of the Norwegian Death Flu that has infiltrated your household. Dear Lord, I feel like someone inflated a zeppelin inside my head. LET’S GO!

LIVE TO DANCE – 8:00PM (CBS) If you spent all of 2010 pining for Paula’s Abdul’s patented brand of acetaminophen-induced nonsensical gurgling, fear not. The former “American Idol” judge and part-time speaker of the English language resurfaces tonight on this CBS reality dance competition featuring 18 dance teams vying for a half million dollar grand prize. And while this may seem like just another cheap “Dancing With The Stars” retread, you’d best not underestimate Abdul’s canniness. After all, she was the one who managed to ditch “Idol” first, right before it really went into the gutter last year. Coincidence? Or has Abdul taken so much medication that she can see things before they happen? Don’t bet against the latter. ANTICIPATION: FOREVER YOUR GIRL!

V – 9:00PM (ABC) Did you know they didn’t cancel this show last year? It’s true! They kept it, put on hiatus until now, and then will cancel it in three week’s time. You know, for the fans. Anyway, the season premiere is tonight, and I was promised an alien baby in the print ads. I hope it fights a Predator baby. ANTICIPATION: ALIEN BABY!

MY BIG BREASTS AND ME – 10:00PM (BBC America) Three women openly discuss the negative impact of being endowed with overly large mammaries. I guess appearing on international television is NOT one of the drawbacks, eh ladies? Seriously though, these women may have some pretty gnarly back problems. ANTICIPATION: EYES UP HERE!

BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES – 8:00PM (NBC) In the season premiere, the fatty duos must choose between training with Bob and Jillian or training a mysterious pair of unknown trainers. Oooooh… ahhhhh! What surprises await them? Well, not to spoil it, but I’m told the two new trainers are both Shake Weights. ANTICIPATION: SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!

CHOPPED – 10:00PM (Food Network) Tonight the chefs must use brains in one of their dishes. I used to serve brains in a restaurant I worked at, and the reason no one ordered them is because no matter how you slice them or serve them, they still very much look like brains. Can’t say the same about cow testicles. ANTICIPATION: BRAINS!

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