* How fat are you if you can hide a gun and two clips of ammunition between your own fat rolls? I bet when this guy pulled 'em out, they were smothered in his own body cheese.
* "Black hole! You will plunge deeper into a trance. You will feel thrilled all over your body and if my hand touches your body, you will feel intense pleasure." Or not.
* When this ram somehow got suspended from a wire 20 feet in the air, it was the worst piñata ever. (The "prizes" inside left something to be desired.)
* Women eat less when dining with men. Behind closed doors, they eat so much, they can hide guns in their fat rolls.
* Americans claim they're not so fat. But then they do things like hide guns in their fat rolls and you don't know who to believe.
* Saudi businessman orders a $50,000 solid gold penis enlarger, encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Your average penis pump is just plain encrusted.
* Exercise will not make you thin. Which means you can hide even more guns in your fat rolls!
* If shutting off the hot water means hot Ukrainian babes soap each other up in the town square, it must be done.
* Ladies in Chicago are dismayed at the male leg-spreading going on on the CTA.
* Everyone is trying to kill Internet Explorer 6. Except the people creating software for our newsroom. They fear technology created within the last five years. We still use pterodactyl beaks to carve our scripts into stone tablets.
* The best diet is... wait for it... eating less food. But be aware if you do that, you will have fewer fat roll in which to hide your guns.
* Jason Piazza shares his secret of sexiness with me.
* If you require entertainment, see me on stage with the rest of Whiskey Rebellion tonight at 8 at the iO Theater. Tickets are $14. And if you want to indulge your inner geek, check out WizardWorld Chicago. It is well worth the trip to Rosemont, Chicago's b-hole.