* Here I am as a superhero. (Make yours here.)
Yes, it would be cool to patrol the city as a superhero. But most superheroes operate at night, and that's when I have to produce the news. I suppose, in a way, I am a hero - defeating lame news copy with my superhuman writing abilities. Or maybe I'm a super-villain, since I hate pretty much everyone and everything. Whatever the case, I look pretty damn good in spandex, according to the artist's rendering.
* This must be the worst prom dress ever. Is that what I think it is on the front of that dress? I'm afraid to see her date's tuxedo pants.
* 66% of women would dump a guy after a bad first kiss. The way I prevent that is to never stop kissing them once I start. Seriously. My tongue remains on her until she can outrun me.
* Facebook users have lower GPAs. Probably because they spend more time super-poking than studying. I'm pretty sure I will have a deathbed regret that I did not super-poke enough.
* The creepy Duggar family already has 18 kids. They've annoyingly named each something beginning with a "J." Now they're going to get their first grandkid. Fact: Your vagina is not a clown car. Stop having babies.
* After your first child dies falling out a window, you might consider not leaving it open for other children to... too late? Yeah, too late. Close that window before you have any more, okay?
* Mayor Daley does not use e-mail. I bet he hired some bumbling nephew to handle his e-mail. According to my patronage conversion chart, that job would pay... $752,000/year.
* I think if you can keep your car on the road while having sex and going 20 mph over the speed limit, you should receive a standing ovation, not a traffic citation.
* Depressing story: The New Economy™ is forcing collectors to sell off their prized possessions. The article highlights a "Star Wars" collector, so I had to dry my eyes while reading that. I plan to be buried next to my "Star Wars" collection. I bought an extra plot just for my toys.
* Any He-Man fans out there? See if this takes you back. (Error: Prince Adam and He-Man cannot be in the same picture. Lord, I'm a nerd.)
* Fellow NBCer Marcus Riley tackles the horrors of Ed Hardy lingerie. Ed Hardy apparel is perhaps the least attractive thing a person can wear. Why not go full bore and just wear a Zubaz thong and a Members Only bra? And just to make sure no member of the opposite sex ever comes near you, throw on a Rod Blagojevich wig.
* Your grandma is probably on Facebook. If mine ever tries to befriend me, I'll just deny the request. She doesn't have much longer to be disappointed in me, anyway.
* Thanks to the recession, women are ditching frilly metrosexuals for manly men. And if things continue to tank, we may devolve enough to where it's cool to drag a woman back to your cave by her hair. (Fingers crossed.)
* Don't you hate it when your suicide attempt fails? Me, too. Thankfully, there's a $50 kit to help you nail it on your first attempt. Hell, for $50, I'll let you use the roof of my high rise.
* Tips for moms having "the talk" with their daughters. Tip #7 - Never, ever, ever go on "Rock of Love."
* Keep your eyes peeled for famous funny people in Chicago this week. It's the Chicago Improv Festival. Last night, I went to the iO Theater and saw Jack McBrayer ("30 Rock") and Ike Barinholtz ("MADtv") on the stage. Chicago is an awesome comedy town. It's a shame so many great actors have to bolt for the coasts to find work. I highly encourage you to get out and see some shows this week. (Yes, Whiskey Rebellion is playing a Saturday night show as part of the festival.)