Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Super Me

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* Here I am as a superhero.  (Make yours here.)

Yes, it would be cool to patrol the city as a superhero.  But most superheroes operate at night, and that's when I have to produce the news.  I suppose, in a way, I am a hero - defeating lame news copy with my superhuman writing abilities.  Or maybe I'm a super-villain, since I hate pretty much everyone and everything.  Whatever the case, I look pretty damn good in spandex, according to the artist's rendering.

This must be the worst prom dress ever.  Is that what I think it is on the front of that dress?  I'm afraid to see her date's tuxedo pants.

66% of women would dump a guy after a bad first kiss.  The way I prevent that is to never stop kissing them once I start.  Seriously.  My tongue remains on her until she can outrun me.

Facebook users have lower GPAs.  Probably because they spend more time super-poking than studying.  I'm pretty sure I will have a deathbed regret that I did not super-poke enough.

* The creepy Duggar family already has 18 kids.  They've annoyingly named each something beginning with a "J."  Now they're going to get their first grandkid.  Fact: Your vagina is not a clown car.  Stop having babies.

After your first child dies falling out a window, you might consider not leaving it open for other children to... too late?  Yeah, too late.  Close that window before you have any more, okay?

Mayor Daley does not use e-mail.  I bet he hired some bumbling nephew to handle his e-mail.  According to my patronage conversion chart, that job would pay... $752,000/year.

* I think if you can keep your car on the road while having sex and going 20 mph over the speed limit, you should receive a standing ovation, not a traffic citation.

* Depressing story: The New Economy™ is forcing collectors to sell off their prized possessions.  The article highlights a "Star Wars" collector, so I had to dry my eyes while reading that.  I plan to be buried next to my "Star Wars" collection.  I bought an extra plot just for my toys.

* Any He-Man fans out there?  See if this takes you back.  (Error: Prince Adam and He-Man cannot be in the same picture.  Lord, I'm a nerd.)

* Fellow NBCer Marcus Riley tackles the horrors of Ed Hardy lingerie.  Ed Hardy apparel is perhaps the least attractive thing a person can wear.  Why not go full bore and just wear a Zubaz thong and a Members Only bra?  And just to make sure no member of the opposite sex ever comes near you, throw on a Rod Blagojevich wig.

Your grandma is probably on Facebook.  If mine ever tries to befriend me, I'll just deny the request.  She doesn't have much longer to be disappointed in me, anyway.

* Thanks to the recession, women are ditching frilly metrosexuals for manly men.  And if things continue to tank, we may devolve enough to where it's cool to drag a woman back to your cave by her hair.  (Fingers crossed.)

* Don't you hate it when your suicide attempt fails?  Me, too.  Thankfully, there's a $50 kit to help you nail it on your first attempt.  Hell, for $50, I'll let you use the roof of my high rise.

* Tips for moms having "the talk" with their daughters.  Tip #7 - Never, ever, ever go on "Rock of Love."

* Keep your eyes peeled for famous funny people in Chicago this week.  It's the Chicago Improv Festival.  Last night, I went to the iO Theater and saw Jack McBrayer ("30 Rock") and Ike Barinholtz ("MADtv") on the stage.  Chicago is an awesome comedy town.  It's a shame so many great actors have to bolt for the coasts to find work.  I highly encourage you to get out and see some shows this week.  (Yes, Whiskey Rebellion is playing a Saturday night show as part of the festival.)

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