Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Paul Bunyan's Secret Sorrow

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    NEWSLETTERS

    The worst job in America is... lumberjack.  Or is it? 

    Fun fact: A female lumberjack is called a lumberjill.  And they are all creepily mannish.

    * Fewer people are named Cockshott, Balls and Shufflebottom these days.  But there are more Wangs.  Seriously.

    Hump a vacuum, go to jail for 90 days.  (Is it wrong that I put my Roomba in a skirt?)

    Note to self: Be more stealthy when trying to seduce an Olympic gymnast with two loaded guns, duct tape and love letters.

    * If you are in a committed relationship, you'll look away quickly when you glance a beautiful member of the opposite sex.  This is how you know I am not in a committed relationship.  Because I leer.  All the time.

    * While you're keeping track of eye contact, note this: When a man finds a woman attractive, he'll look at her for an average of 8.2 seconds.  If he finds her unattractive, she'll only get 4.5 seconds worth.  But again, I will leer at a woman, any woman, for a good 30 or 40 minutes... or until she maces me.  Whichever comes first.

    KFC offers to fill your city's potholes.  Finally, a legitimate use for those disgusting Famous Bowls.

    * Guys, I know it's hard, but try not to masturbate on a plane.  Just try.

    Is "West Side Story" overrated?  Better question: It took us 52 years to figure this out?

    * Great news for those of you looking to save money on sperm.  (Because when you're selecting half your child's chromosomes, cheaper is better.)

    Worst Idea Ever: A "Three Stooges" update directed by the Farrelly Brothers, starring Sean Penn as Larry, Benicio Del Toro as Moe and Jim Carrey (+40 lbs.) as Curly.  You know what, Hollywood?  Just stop.  Stop making movies until you get sober.

    * Steve Harvey says women's standards are too low.  Not low enough, says the hopelessly single blogger.

    Fewer than 10% of blind Americans read Braille.  Fewer still read my blog.  Thanks for nothing, blind people.

    A woman threatens suicide on a message board to see if anyone cared.  You know, you only get so many chances to do that before people start to think you're crying wolf.

    * Bored scientists try to find out if animals enjoy sex.  My cat doesn't... unless I calm her down with a fresh can of tuna.  (My Roomba always gets so jealous.)

    Join the hunt for Chicago's ugliest car!

    I don't have any terrifically ugly cars in my neighborhood, but I do live at ground zero for a startling phenomenon: The Mobile Pack-Rat. 

    At least three cars parked near Schiller and Clark are always filled to the roof with garbage.  Old newspapers, magazines and books tend to be the treasures of choice.  Who are these people?  Why do they feel the need to save a decade's worth of Tribunes in their passenger seat?  Sometimes, even the driver's seat is stacked with garbage.

    Don't get me wrong; my apartment is a godforsaken mess.  As is my car.  But at least there is room for a human (or two, or four) in my car.  I am perplexed and frightened by these rolling tinder boxes.  Should I alert Homeland Security?


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    Ben performs TONIGHT at 8 p.m., improvising with Whiskey Rebellion at the iO Theater near Wrigley Field.  Tickets: $12.  He will be wearing a tie.