Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Old and Busted: Fireside Chat. New Hotness: Beer Summit.

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * Twitter is actually good for something!  Yesterday, the microblogging site started off a trend of people submitting failed titles of children's books.  Well played, Twitter.

    * Most interesting story of the day: A woman who got married and divorced, all while remaining a virgin.  The story of how she eventually lost her virginity is incredibly sad/gross.

    * Woman gets so sick of seeing Obama, she sells her TVs.  And she's been so disappointed in her GE stock, she threw out all her light bulbs.

    * I started watching "Mad Men" last night and I was hooked after the first episode.  Smart, smart show.  Funny, too.  Excellent cinematography.  As I was watching it, a part of me wanted to live back then, my hair shellacked in place with some sort of petroleum product, a rigid pocket square offsetting the right angle of my jaw, a girl voluntarily wearing a dress by my side. 

    But then you see the ugly side of things... the constant smoking, the pregnant ladies drinking, the child abuse and the rampant, rampant misogyny and racism. 

    But I would look cool, and that trumps everything, right? 

    I must now race through the first two seasons to catch up before the third begins.  Why must I always jump on these shows so late?

    Go directly to jail.  Do not pass "Go."  Do not collect $200.

    Greatest parenting tips ever.  (#13 - Harvest a kidney from each of your children.  Allow them to have it back when they repay you for their college tuition.)

    * Scary music is scarier with your eyes closed.

    * Why does CNN think we need not one, but two stories about the difficult lives of flight attendants in one day?  How many stories have they ginned up about hard-working producers/bloggers and their small, but dedicated followings?

    * If you knit, you are probably a terrorist.

    * I have heard nothing but disdain for our website redesign.  What's the matter, people?  Don't like your blog all smushed to the side?  Not impressed by being able to vote on your emotional state?  Don't fret.  If I know the internet, we'll overhaul things once more in about two months.  And again, two weeks after that.  For a day and a half, we'll remove all the text so we can only post photos.  Then we'll forget to register our domain name, and some Ukrainian Bon Jovi tribute band will snag the URL.  Just a hunch.

    * Who wants carbonated milk?  Coke hopes you do.  Look, if I want bubbles in my milk, I'll blow 'em through a straw, the old fashioned way.

    * I have not yet been featured on CuteChicagoBoys.com.  I think I'm a lock for PaleInsomniacLoners.com, though.

    * Please keep your thongs off the power lines.

    * Do not put the lime in the coconut.  Instead, use the coconut to try to rob your roommate.  Then get arrested.

    hispanic woman, 20-25 years with arm covering breast* Please do not ask me to make plans on August 23.  I will be just outside my apartment, enjoying the view of dozens (hundreds?) of naked breasts.  (Even better, the organization behind this event was founded by the Raelian Movement, which believes that life on Earth was created by advanced extraterrestrial scientists.)

    * Is the word "t**t" offensive?  Here's a test I use: Go up to your boss and casually call him that.  If you are still employed the next day, it's not offensive.

    K-Fed is fat.  I think we can boil his Wikipedia entry down to just that sentence.

    1/3 adults nap ...usually during blind dates with me.

    * I love how President Obama plans to cure racism with a beer summit.  What's next?  S'mores with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?  A slumber party with Kim Jong Il?

    * Have GMail and want to avoid the ads on the side of your message?  All it takes is a little creative writing...

    * Remember the theory that each generation of women is hotter than the last?  One family puts that to the test.  (Judging by the pictures, grandma is homely, mom was hot in her day, and daughter is fairly cute.)

    * In Canada if you are arrested and then released from prison, it is a legal requirement that the felon is given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so they can ride safely out of the town.

    * Naked Erin Andrews: I'm being treated like "f***ing Britney Spears."  There is so much right with that headline.

    * Man claims to find a dead mouse in a Pepsi can.  That's the second grossest thing found inside a Pepsi can (after Crystal Pepsi, of course).

    * You know your suicide attempt fails when you're able to go home and sleep it off.

    * Enjoy these bad costumes.