* The city of Chicago stole my car.
Tuesday, I was parked in one of a limited number of spots in my neighborhood that don't require you to move your car for street cleaning. I have parked there frequently over the past three years and never once received a ticket. But this week, the city towed my car.
My car was parked where the car to the left is. See those two signs? None of them says anything about having to move your car for street cleaning. If that were the case, my car would have been towed last week when it was in the exact same place.
Now I have to retrieve my car from the impound lot, pay a few hundred dollars and get a court date to clear this up. So to the individual(s) who towed my car because they cannot read the street signs posted clearly above where my vehicle was parked, I sincerely wish you and your family a slow demise as the first human victims of bovine spongiform encephalopathy. And if spiders laid eggs in your ears, that would be an added bonus.
* The tone-deaf goblins who worship at the feet of Adam Lambert rejoice as he survives another week on "American Idol." I got two of the bottom three right. Lil and Anoop will not be missed.
* $75-200 for a "topless bikini?" Worth every penny in my book.
* I'm not going to embed this crazy German commercial because it's just too gory. But if you've ever wanted to see one woman bite off the ear of another woman while fighting over a sale item, today's your lucky day. (Hey, Germany, what the hell's wrong with you?)
* Chewing gum helps you in school. Especially if you threaten to stick it in the school nerd's hair unless he does your homework.
* Some communities are printing their own currency. Stay tuned for "Stroger Bucks," just as worthless as the man whose image appears on them.
* Breastfeeding benefits the baby and the mother. Putting grape soda in your baby's bottle only benefits the owner of the trailer park vending machine.
* Coming soon: A cell phone that unlocks based on the unique way you swing your arm. They were going to make it unlock based on your personal scent, but that would mean anyone in New Jersey could use anyone else's phone since they all reek of Axe body spray.
* Modern society is ruining childhood. Why can't kids today just be happy pushing a hoop with a stick like they did in my day?
* The world's most expensive suit costs $100,000. (Humility not included.)
* An airline just for pets? They probably tell you Fido's going on a plane, then just launch him skyward with a big slingshot.
* Workers who have strong communication ties with their managers tend to bring in more money than those who steer clear of the boss. Just something to keep in mind during your lengthy and soul-crushing unemployment.
* Is it wise to give yourself a deadline to find love? Not sure. I passed my personal love deadline roughly five years ago. Since then, I wake up every morning angry that I'm still breathing, but other than that, I have no ill effects from the self-imposed time frame.
* 5 Tips for Self-Confident Leaders. (#2 - In your office, opposite your desk, install a trap door above a shark tank.)
* Welcome to fame, Susan Boyle. The world must know if you've plucked those shaggy eyebrows. Kinda makes you wanna go back to the Shire, huh?
* Hey, Major League Baseball, no one wants your ridiculously overpriced seats. Also, you have roughly 100 games too many. And you're boring.
* Are you sexy enough to merit placement on the Sexy People blog?
* When your city is in trouble, call in the bulldozer. Just don't park it in a clearly legal space, because it will be towed.