* Please support racial harmony by buying your furniture at the Red House.
* I hereby command you to waste this week playing these 95 old school video games at work. "Track & Field II" is impossible without the NES Advantage. Impossible.
* In the recession, sales of tighty whities have increased 35%. The cheaper alternative, going commando, is up a whopping 4,000%.
* Conservatives don't know Stephen Colbert is joking. And I bet they think Sarah Palin wasn't a horrible trainwreck of a running mate, too.
* TV makes you feel less lonely. Aside from seeing all those beautiful people in their rewarding interpersonal relationships, that is.
* You know what would be a great idea? Monitoring all internet use by everyone. Better yet, why don't you just let the government put a chip in your brain to let them know when you think naughty thoughts.
* How do you know when to do the deed with your new lover? First, make sure she's conscious.
* If you haven't been paid in a while, show your employer who's boss - cut off your finger and eat it.
* "Hey Jude" includes an F-bomb. That was the exact moment Paul learned Yoko was a permanent thing.
* Painting your face with pop culture characters every day for a year is not crazy at all. In fact, it's the best way to alienate the two friends you have left.
* When your attempt at flirting dead-ends, you've entered a "nonversation." If you still confused about what that is, just watch me say anything to the opposite sex.
* Blago wants to do "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" to be "a modern-day Teddy Roosevelt." Yeah, because old Teddy loved a good photo op with the Spencer and Heidi of his day. The Bull Moose Party was filled with fame whores.
* CLEVELAND! (Adult language)
* Loud sex is a crime in Great Britain. That's why Prince Charles makes Camilla chomp down on an extra large bit during their bouts of love-making.
* The key to a happy marriage is denial. As in, denying that you're married so you can hook up with other people.
* Walking around with a fake baby isn't creepy at all.
* Americans keep changing their religion. God's probably keeping track of that, you know.
* The unemployed are pumping iron. Most are probably pulling more weight now than when they were working.
* More atheists are super-proud of their lack of faith. Great. Good for them. Maybe they can come up with even more obnoxious bumper stickers.
* Should you remain friends with your ex? Also, should you wipe your butt with steel wool? Should you chew leftover hypodermic needles? Should you shove fiberglass insulation under your eyelids?
* The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon / Little Boy Blue and the Man In the Moon / When you coming home, son? I don't know when / But I'll carve out the pacemaker from your chest then, Dad.
* Having a baby face helps black CEOs... though not as much as having a white face.
* Today in guilt trips: Fish feel pain. Cue some ridiculous PETA protest.
* What is more disturbing: German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her underwear, or the promotion to turn in your used drawers for credit to buy new ones?
* 2/3 of the Jonas Brothers are among People's most beautiful people of 2009. Sorry, third brother. Maybe you should try not being so ugly.
* These 10 fashion fads need to come back. Zubaz? Check. Fanny packs? Double check.
* All hail Pogo Cat.
* If you plan on dating Arthur Kade, you must be incredibly hot, and you must be impeccably groomed... down there.
* Sorry. You can't hike nude through Switzerland anymore. Grant Park, still okay.
* 21 years old. 2'9". Bodybuilder.
* Who the hell would protest against donkey basketball? (Flashback to the old SNL hosted by Charles Barkley where he referred to it as "dunkey" basketball.)
* California gay rights activists fight hate with hate. Good luck with that.
* "Yes, Looks Do Matter." This and other insightful articles in next month's "Duh" magazine.
* Signs of desperation: NBC is bringing 1989's "Parenthood" to the small screen. Perhaps our network execs are having trouble remembering how well that flew the first time they tried it, 19 years ago. What's next, y'all? Yet another "Knight Rider" remake?
* Nicotine takes the edge off anger. So when a bully is coming to pound your face, just throw some Skoal at him.
* "Excuse me, could you not have sex on the Queen's lawn? Thank you ever so much."
* I think I'll pass on the Mormon MILF Calendar.
* Graffiti of Blago running is popping up all over Chicago. My guess? Blagojevich is doing it. Not like he has anything better to do.
* For those of you keeping a "worst ways to die" diary, make sure you reserve a page for "34 nails to the head."
* Yes, middle children are ignored on purpose. Because they are boring and lame.
* This is the year of the zombie. Someone must put it out of its misery with a bullet to the face.
* Your co-workers act like children because they're programmed that way. Kinda explains why Rob wants to lead every newscast with fingerpainting.
* Yes, Swine Flu is 99.9% hype. Right, 1976?
