ORCHARD PARK, NY - SEPTEMBER 12: Roscoe Parrish #11 of the Buffalo Bills returns a punt against the Miami Dolphins during the NFL season opener at Ralph Wilson Stadium on September 12, 2010 in Orchard Park, New York. (Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)
After a quiet week, it's time for the Bears to wade back into the fray. Luckily, the NFL gift-wrapped a win in the form of the Buffalo Bills.
The Bills are the last winless team in the league. It's pathetic. Then again, the Cowboys have only one victory and they actually have talent. Picking the more worthless team is like trying to decide which is the worst Ashton Kutcher movie. Coin toss.
What's more, the Bears get to play the Bills in Toronto. Home field advantage: neither.
Buffalo is a team that's merely hanging around until its ancient owner drops dead. After that, the franchise is sure to move to Toronto or L.A. or St. Petersburg or something.
Since that is an inevitability, Ralph Wilson isn't exactly planning for the future. He just watches his team take the field in their pretty uniforms. Chances are, he just has the Frank Reich comeback playing on an endless loop in his head. If he were actually alerted to the putrid awfulness of his team, he'd keel over in a heartbeat. ("No, no, Grandpa Ralph. We're not losing. Uhhh... Jack Kemp just threw another touchdown! That's right. And Steve Tasker is running so hard. Oh, if you could only see, Grandpa Ralph!")
At least the Bills have an excuse for sucking. What about us? Is it ownership apathy? Is Jerry Angelo huffing paint? Is Lovie Smith doing the bidding of the dark lord Sauron?
Even on our most recent trip to the Super Bowl, we had more luck than skill. Turnovers bounced our way. The Cardinals had an epic Monday night collapse. Devin Hester single-handedly altered games. Is there any residual strength from that team? More importantly, have we made any major improvements since the Super Bowl?
That's not to say it's better to be the Bills. Those clowns change quarterbacks about as often as NBC scraps its primetime lineup. (Self-zing!)
You've got to expect Buffalo will pull out at least one win this year. We just have to hope it's not against the Bears. Chicago has too many ledges and too many fans at wit's end.