Ben’s Breakfast Blog

The Googly Eyes of Victory

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* It's gonna be a long day, blog fans.  First, I wait around for my performance review.  Then, since I will be awake at the same time as the rest of the city, I will mosey over to get a new driver's license.  I should be wobbling back home a good 3-4 hours later than usual.

ReutersI would be more energized had I not witnessed that basketball game last night.  That sucked.  I skipped a class to watch it.

The Tarheels have six potential NBA players.  Tons of upperclassmen.  They're the number one destination for kids who want to follow in Michael Jordan's footsteps. 

The Spartans were David.  This time, Goliath won.

And once again, Ford Field sends thousands of fans home disappointed.  Sorry, Michigan.  It would seem God hates you.  Even the Detroit Free Press home page is adorned in Carolina blue. 

But my home state is used to hard times.  Remember the movie "8 Mile"?  They made that about Detroit BEFORE the economic collapse.  Now all the "good" suburbs look like Eminem's trailer park.  We've become so hungry, we've eaten the animals on the state flag.  No one knows this, but we sold the Upper Peninsula to Qatar.  We burned all the money to heat our homes this winter.  Next winter, we start burning bodies of the dead.

And the crazy thing is, we have nothing specific to pin our state's decline on.  Sure, the auto industry is collapsing, but it's not Michigan's fault.  We're not a haven for rampant political corruption *cough* or a place where the government believes 10.25% sales tax is reasonable *cough, cough*.  We're a state of hard-working salt-of-the-earth people.  We have our share of idiot hillbillies like everywhere, but it's a state that prides itself on work ethic.

Remember 2004, when the no-name Detroit Pistons took out a Lakers team featuring four future Hall of Famers?  That was Michigan.  Leave the glitz to L.A.  We just come to work and give our all.

And sometimes, you get steamrolled.  Sometimes, your main industry goes belly-up.  Sometimes, the entire country pities you.  But you get up and you keep fighting.

... or you move to Chicago like me.  Sorry, Michigan.  I'll come back someday.  Probably when I'm ready to die.

Oh, and Tyler Hansbrough is a googly-eyed freak.

* As goofy-lookin' as Hansbrough is, at least the reporter on the scene didn't use his post-victory interview to ask him why he looks so freakish.  (This jockey in Britain? Not so lucky.)

* The only redeeming quality of the game was the bizarre Burger King/Sir Mix-a-Lot commercial.

* After a seeming eternity, "Rescue Me" returns to TV tonight.  Thank God.  It's flawed, but one of the best shows on TV when it hits its stride.  Rent the first season and catch up already.

* Baseball's back.  Great.  160-something games.  An endless slog until football season.

* I know what you're thinking.  "Pride and Prejudice" would have been so much better with zombies.  Well, brother, your ship has come in.

* Hot new hotel trend: visible, open bathrooms.  Fantastic idea, as long as you never go on vacation with relatives or members of your own gender.

President Obama as a barbarian?  That's change I can believe in.  (Sarah Palin lookin' extra fine in comic book form.)

* Here's a re-post of an article that'll make your head spin.  It's about a new movement called "Consensual Living."  It basically means the children in a family have just as much say as the parents....
"Mommy!  I wanna eat licorice for breakfast!"  "Okay, honey." 
"Mommy!  I wanna eat licorice for dinner!"  "Okay, honey." 
"Mommy!  I want to grow up to be a stripper because you never taught me boundaries!"  "Okay, honey."

A woman can tell if a guy's in the mood by smelling his sweat.  See, ladies?  That's why I keep running at you screaming, "Smell me!  Smell me!"

* Yes, you look like your dog.  Bad news for whatever weirdo owns this monstrosity.

Scientists have removed fear from rats.  Great.  Fearless rats.

60% of college students have had "friends with benefits" situations.  My college experience was an endless series of "we may be friends but don't ever touch me again" situations.

* Now... 12 pathetic excuses for being late to work.  I can't decide which is better: "My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm," OR "I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again."

* Let's hear it for Zero Tolerance, where a high school girl popping a birth control pill earns a suspension.  Yeah.  Take it.  You get pregnant.  Rules is rules.

Should women lie about their age?  Won't matter, ladies.  I assure you that no guy ever makes a decision based on that number.  Now if you look old, that's a problem.

* People getting laid off are losing their pride.  Thankfully, if I lose my job, I never had any pride to lose.

* To end this blog where it began, with the NCAA Tournament, Deadspin brings us this little gem:

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