* Yesterday, as promised, I went to get a new driver's license. This unfortunate picture will now be with me for the next four years. What the hell am I doing here? I look like a serial killer. I look like I'm having a stroke. I look like my eyes are about to roll back in my head as I murmur Latin phrases at a priest who's trying to banish the demons inside my skull.
All day, I kept thinking, "Man, I hate this picture." But really, I hate my face.
Come on, face. You can do better! Look less creepy.
If I'm ever pulled over, I doubt the cop will think this is me. Unless I've just murdered someone and huffed paint for 12 straight hours, then I'll look like this.
* NBC5 Traffic Reporter Matt Rodewald offers this succinct review of the city of Detroit.
"I was at the Final Four Saturday. Detroit sucks. I'm never going there again. Ever."
* Oprah worked her magic to woo the International Olympic Committee. Just to recap, she selected our President, she's probably just landed us the 2016 Olympics... what's next? I have this nightmare she will one day trigger all her sleeper agent fans to seize major cities and topple the government.
* Has there ever been a dumber invention than the JumpSnap? It's a jump rope without the rope. $40. Pathetic.
* Why is Ellen DeGeneres doing makeup commercials? I have never once heard a woman say, "If I could only look like Ellen DeGeneres..." She looks like Haley Joel Osment with wrinkles.
* You could save $130 by switching your toilet paper. Or just use your fingernails like your great-great grandparents.
* Another reason to love Chicago: What other city offers OperaGrams from a fat lady in a viking helmet? The best part is probably right after she finishes singing, and the recipient just stands there looking like someone just dangled a fistful of dead reptiles in his face. Does she just turn around and leave or does she wait for some kind of reaction? Bizarre.
* What's the deal with those strange people who shun Facebook and Twitter? The sub-headline: "For some, privacy, personal relationships and time keep them off social networks." Privacy? Personal relationships? Time? What are those?
* And now... the Top 10 worst performances of the National Anthem (with video). Yes, Carl Lewis makes the list.
* Star Wars Geek Alert! Ten incredibly obscure "Star Wars" characters actually have ridiculously detailed backstories. Clicking on this link forever revokes your ability to speak with the opposite sex.
* Do you remember these discontinued sodas? I recall going crazy for 7Up Gold in fourth grade. And that Hubba-Bubba soda? I remember my mom packing a can of that for a field trip to the beach. After sitting out in the hot sun all day, I finally cracked the can on my way back to the bus. There is no flavor that curdles the tongue quite like hot bubblegum. I dry-heave just thinking about it.
* Chimps exchange meat for sex. I try this every Sunday, standing outside Jewel with a fresh strip steak and a forlorn look in my eyes. But since I look like a serial killer, that would explain why women just pass by, ignoring the free meat offer.
* Yesterday, I was asked about my affinity for Monkey News™. Its origin is the Ricky Gervais Podcast. Ricky's producer, Karl Pilkington, reads monkey news stories he finds on the web. They are always totally fake. This is lost on Karl. One fellow was kind enough to animate one particular news bulletin.
They're all like that. Karl believes anything he reads online. I've listened to dozens of monkey stories far more ridiculous. Karl is a certified moron genius.
See Ben perform tonight at 8 p.m. at the iO Theater (3541 N Clark). Tickets are FREE.
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