Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Aoooooooooooo!

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* On May 7, NBC Chicago became the first major media outlet to tell the world about Amazon.com's T-shirt with three wolves and a moon on it.  The user reviews are classic.

And now we have a music video befitting the phenomenon.

Amazon is selling 100 3-Wolf T-shirts an hour.  I am proud to say I played a role in its success.

* Once you have your wolf T-shirt, wear it to Maine, where they're looking for volunteers to comb the woods and howl like wolves.

Job seekers are removing their tattoos. "One 34-year-old pharmaceutical salesman said the Irish flag and the wizard that decorate his calves were costing him clients."  You know, some drug sellers would gain street cred from a calf wizard.

NBC comes in 4th in the 2008-2009 ratings race.  It's like we don't even care about viewers anymore.  Other than "The Office," "30 Rock" and "Sunday Night Football," I never watch NBC.  Why would I?  Have you looked at our schedule lately?  It's just 8 hours of Howie Mandel and Jay Leno on a constant loop.  Last night, we aired a special about the Top 50 Catchphrases.  I wish I were making that up.  Weep for the peacock, my children.

If you get fired, you're never going to make as much money as you did before.  Something to dwell on while you climb out on that ledge.

People turn into idiots when free food is offered.  Consider how much the food is worth.  Consider how much your time is worth.  Do not stand in line for two hours for a $3 slice of pizza.

* For when you want to die of simultaneous alcohol poisoning and a heart attack: Bacon-flavored vodka.

* Doctor: "I'd like to remove your gallbladder."
Woman: "Okay."
Doctor: "Through your vagina."
Woman: "Ummmmm..."
Doctor: "Also, I'll be using my penis."
Woman: "No."
Doctor: "It was worth a shot.  Anyway, I really do want to take it out through your vagina."

* Hospital in need of nurses lures applicants by offering free boob jobs.  Talk about your win-win situations.

* And now... 25 people breaking their legs.

Canada's governor general ate a raw seal heart straight from the carcass yesterday.  While searching for items for this morning's newscast, I stumbled upon video of this incident.  She is surprisingly nonchalant for someone eating an organ of a freshly killed seal.

* Finally, someone writes an article on how to survive a robot uprising.  But how can we trust it, since we're reading it on a computer.  And how do you know a human is typing this blog, and it's not an elaborate hoax by a robot attempting to overthrow humanity?  Stop clicking these links immediately.  Flee!  Hoard food!  Stockpile weapons!

Manager: "Wear makeup."
Waitress: "No."
Manager: "You're fired."
Judges: "That's legal."
Me: "How is that legal?

Epic moron Ashton Kutcher threatens to stop Twittering.  How will we survive without such messages as, "Am being an enormous douche," or, "Shooting another douche-y Nikon commercial," or, "Hanging out with my fellow douche, Wilmer Valderrama"?

* Please do not urinate in the elevator.

* If I ever have kids, I will slap them in the face if they take a college course about vampires.  Why not become an English major and really waste your education?

Shocking News! Beautiful, smart people make more money.  This and more interesting finds in this month's issue of Duh Magazine.

William & Mary broke the record for most people doing the "Thriller" dance simultaneously.  How two people broke that record, I'll never know...


To comment, click the blog title and scroll down.  E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)nbcuni.com

See Ben perform tonight at 8 p.m. in the time-travel comedy "Fatallica" at the Annoyance Theater.  Tickets are $5.

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