Every NFL postseason, someone somewhere comes up with a truly awful team anthem that completely destroys the karma of whatever team that song pays tribute to. Obviously, last year’s perpetrator was Prince, who ruined the Vikings season.
This year’s nominee is “Rex’s Gang Green,” created by songwriter Matt Fox (aka THE FOX EXPERIENCE), whose MySpace page lists his influences as “Max Martin, Oasis, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Pink Floyd,” so you know you’re in good hands. And it’s rapped by Sean Henry, who has all the flow of someone born without a lower jaw. I listened to all four horrible minutes of this song so that you didn’t have to, and the results were soul-scarring. Let’s go ahead and break it down:
0:03 – We’re three seconds in and Fox has already looped the J-E-T-S chant to maximum detrimental effect. Somehow, that chant is twice as bad when set to a beat created by a $27 Casio keyboard from 1986.
0:10 – “Fans yellin, you gotta stop procrastinatin’/They got the answers in the playbook marinatin’.” That’s but a taste of what’s in store. I’ll just say right now that there is no possible way to write a song that pays tribute to a certain team’s season that will ever be good. Ever. It’s beyond man’s limits.
0:22 – Did he say “impatuated”? You know he did.
0:28 – “You mess with Bart Scott, you get vaccinated.” You sure do. KEEP JENNY MCCARTHY’S CHILD AWAY FROM BART SCOTT!
0:35 – And here comes the Autotune. I knew it was coming, and yet I still wasn’t really prepared for it.
1:15 – “Try to double team and burnt by Jerricho! Try to double team and burnt by Jerricho! Try to double team and burnt by Jerricho!”
1:30 – Call and response! “This is our home team – HOME TEAM!” I love songs that sing along to themselves.
2:00 – “We belong on top like icing.” Lyric by Amy Sedaris.
2:22 – That chant again.
2:50 – I swear he’s just reading the lyrics off a teleprompter.
3:40 – Tender piano riff at the end. Lets you know there’s real feeling behind this song. Or that someone just listened to Kanye’s new album.