Burris Behind Closed Doors

Sen. Roland Burris (D-Doomed) has suspended his statewide "listening tour" to "hold private meetings" today with friends and advisers.

Here's what we think may be on the agenda:

- Breakfast in bed with his ego.

- Receives call from Rob Blagojevich asking him to raise funds because "now he's a star."

- Upon reflection, calls Rob Blagojevich and asks him to raise money for Roland.

- Is deposed by the FBI. Tells FBI he may file an amended deposition later to fill out the facts.

- Tells advisers he wants Tribune editorial board fired.

- Prays. To Satan.

- Meets with legal team on new strategy: From now on, we tell the truth. Silence. Laughter.

- Meets with legal team on new strategy: For godsakes, don't tell the truth!

- Meets with legal team on new strategy: Sue the U.S. Senate Ethics Committee.

- Meets with political team on new strategy: From now on, we tell the truth. Silence. Laughter.

- Meets with political team on new strategy: How can we alienate the media even further? Options discussed.

- Meets with political team on new strategy: Call Dick Durbin racist. Threaten to run for his Senate seat next.

- Meet with  political team on new strategy: Call the U.S. Senate Ethics Committee racist.

- Meet with political team on new strategy: Burris for President 2016. Or 2012. Discuss.

- Place new round of phone calls to Barbara Walters, David Letterman, Geraldo Rivera.

- Works on Amendments to the Amended Affidavit No. 4, Version 1.

- Meets with agent about a book proposal: The Real Roland. With pictures.

- Consider raising money for legal defense by selling draft versions of each affidavit on eBay.