Illinois Is For Idiots

This is embarrassing

Is Illinois the most embarrassing state in the nation?

Quite possibly.

After all, what other state has its impeached governor asked to be on a reality TV show and then has his possible replacement arrested for allegedly murdering at least one of his wives?

The cable news shows and tabloid magazines ought to beef up their Chicago bureaus if they know what's good for business. The way out of the media doldrums? CSI: Chicago, Lawlessness & Disorder Division.

We're ready made for reality TV. It's called the local news.

And let's not forget that our preceding governor is sitting in an Indiana jail, probably working in the prison laundry every day and learning how to make shanks on the side.

And our impeached governor wasn't even allowed to be on that reality show because he was considered a risk to flee into the jungles of Costa Rica instead of coming back home to stand trial. Soon rumors flew that our favorite suburban murder suspect would be asked instead.

The impeached governor and the murder suspect share a PR agency, after all.

That's the Chicago Way. Sharing.

For example, the lawyer for the jailed governor led the impeached governor's transition. He's 2-for-2!

And the impeached governor sent a man with an infamous death crypt to the U.S. Senate to replace a man who became president - after allegedly trying to sell the job to the highest bidder.

The man who became president endorsed an inept politician who just used the phrase "an exercise in fertility" over a candidate who is apparently the target of assassins.

The exercise in futility guy was installed in office by the nation's most powerful mayor, who says things like "It would be nice to know if there's a rat on your sandwich." It apparently takes three city workers to determine that, though there aren't enough city workers available to inspect our elevators.

As it is with our public figures, the buttons light up, but not every car reaches the top floor.

So now it will be Drew Peterson every day and twice on weekends - as if it hasn't been already - and Rod Blagojevich surely returning soon to The View when he's not pretending to fly and the campaign for the president's old Senate seat will get revved up in a manner that will surely bring us shame and maybe by the time our old governor gets out of jail our impeached governor will be entering jail and Drew Peterson will have his own talk show so good riddance Jerry Springer and let's not forget that Lou Piniella will have set fire to Wrigley Field by then and maybe Steve Bartman will come out of hiding and Oprah will just up and leave and it'll still be an exercise in fertility around here.

Another alderman will get indicted - let's take bets on which one! - and a Bear will crash his car and a public official will get caught with his pants down and the CTA will continue to stand for Crumbling Train Authority.

Meanwhile, our most infamous miscreants have sought out so much celebrity that it would seem impossible - and hypocritical - for them to ask for changes of venue in their upcoming trials. Where on Earth could they possibly go where their stories haven't been told - incessantly?

The whole world may have been watching in 1968, but today the whole World Wide Web is watching.

It's the best show on the planet, but unfortunately, it's also our reality.

Steve Rhodes is the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, a Chicago-centric news and culture review.

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