It took me many years and quite a bit of emotional heartache to realize a life-changing fact: When it comes to purpose, bigger is not better. 

Most of our anxiety stems from what I call "big P" Purpose, which is overly focused on the outcome or destination. It's the kind of purpose that made me want to become a doctor, for example.

"Little P" purpose, on the other hand, focuses on the path or process. It lacks glamour. It is even considered downright unsexy. And most people do whatever it takes to avoid this petite purpose in favor of doing something they believe will be more substantial. 

As a result, I've found that most people end up pursuing the former, toxic type of purpose. It's the easiest kind to choose, because it means meeting society's expectations and following in the footsteps of the herd. 

The harder decision by far is to do the internal work to discover what really lights you up — and find a way to pursue it in the world. This all takes effort, but it's worth it. 

Resist the toxic kind of purpose

There is a relentless pressure to devote our energy to big P Purpose. It ends up creating more anxiety than joy. In fact, I often hear my dying patients complain that they spent too much time on their audacious goals, at the expense of their own happiness. 

There was Toby, who dreamed of becoming a U.S. senator but could never muster enough campaign funds or support. While dying of Lou Gehrig's disease, he lamented that he'd never run for the local school board — a job he might have enjoyed just as much, and which would've been more attainable. 

Or Shanelle, whose designer makeup line almost made it onto "Shark Tank," but got axed in the last round. When she became bedbound from multiple sclerosis, she realized that her true joy had not been in the boardroom, but out front with customers, helping women feel good about how they looked. She wished she had spent more of her precious time doing that.

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This goal-oriented type of purpose often depends on an all-or-nothing equation. You either succeed or you don't. You're either the biggest law firm grossing the highest revenues in Illinois or you're not. 

The bigger the goal, the easier it is to fail. And these objectives often rely on some mix of luck, timing, and genetics. You have to be the right person, at the right time, in the right place. Unfortunately, for most of us, the stars do not align precisely when necessary. 

We will likely not cure cancer, become a billionaire, or produce the next mass-consumed item to hit the market. And that's okay. For better or worse, most of us are bound to fail. Toby did. So did Shanelle. Meanwhile, the anxiety that comes with such goals defining our purpose robs us of any enjoyment there might have been in the process.

The other problem is that any satisfaction that comes with this toxic type of purpose is fleeting. The newness of a major accomplishment is only felt once, and excitement about attaining it is quickly replaced by endless worry over its loss. 

Pursue a different type of purpose instead

Little P purpose embraces an abundance mentality. There is room for everyone — I mean everyone — to pursue that which brings them inner joy and happiness. This pursuit will never rely on whether someone else is succeeding or failing. It will never be limited by some resource that another human being has already gobbled up. 

We can't always choose the outcome, but we can choose what activities to fill our lives with. Unlike big audacious goals that take years or even decades to achieve, the small, more personal types of purpose are ongoing projects that are enjoyable regardless of the results. It's a win no matter what. There is no way to fail. 

If one activity or purpose is no longer fulfilling, there's no reason whatsoever not to pivot to something else. We haven't wasted any time, energy, or money, because it was worth doing for its own sake.  

You'll die with fewer regrets

People who focus on little P purpose have fewer regrets when they die. Instead of wishing they'd achieved ambitious goals they didn't have enough energy, courage, or talent to pursue, they can point to many daily activities that brought them joy and created meaning.

Take Carlos, who would get into deep conversations with his hospice nurses about the joy of painting. It's true that his works never hung at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and weren't auctioned off for millions of dollars. On his deathbed, however, Carlos could celebrate the fact that he'd spent most of his days doing something deeply meaningful. 

Dr. Jordan Grumet is a hospice medical director whose work weaves together medicine, finance, and the significance of purpose, making a profound impact on those seeking a meaningful life. He is the author of "The Purpose Code: How to Unlock Meaning, Maximize Happiness, and Leave a Lasting Legacy."

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Copyright © Jordan Grumet. "The Purpose Code" by Jordan Grumet, published by HarrimanHouse, www.harriman-house.com, 7 January 2025.