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How to Help Your Kids Grieve, From a Mom Whose Son Was Still a Baby When Her Husband Died

Source: Envato Elements

Grieving a loss isn't easy for anyone, and it can be especially difficult for children who aren't yet able to comprehend what death actually means.

Amanda Kloots, co-host of the CBS show, "The Talk," lost her husband to Covid-19 in 2020. At the time, her son Elvis had just turned one and wasn't old enough to understand what happened to his father, Nick.

As time passed, Kloots had to make a choice about how she would share the news with her son.

"I just decided to be honest with him, have that conversation and make sure that he's able to ask me anything," Kloots tells CNBC Make It. "I always tell him that you can ask me anything you want about Dad."

To honor Nick's memory and help Elvis grieve, Kloots plays Nick's favorite songs around the house and tells Elvis stories about his dad. Kloots recently wrote a children's book titled "Tell Me Your Dreams," which encourages Elvis to tap into his imagination, through dreams especially, to connect with his dad.

"From day one, Elvis and I have never put Nick's memory to rest. I just make sure his spirit is alive in this house," Kloots says.

4 tips for helping children process grief

1. Be 'open and honest' about what happened

The No. 1 approach experts suggest after a child experiences a loss is to let them know what happened. Not talking about the loss can actually cause more anxiety for children, according to Shannon Bennett, psychologist and Site Clinical Director for New York-Presbyterian Hospital's Center for Youth Mental Health.

"I think parents need to be open and honest with children when a loss happens," says Bennett. "Providing developmentally appropriate, but factually accurate, information, so the child understands what has happened."

Without a clear explanation from grown ups, children may attempt to fill in the blanks themselves, which can lead to heightened stress and fear. So instead, give them the facts.

Offering them creative forms of expression, such as allowing them to draw with others, can help them cope with the emotions that arise.

2. Be mindful of the language you use

When you do share details with kids, be sure to use language that is appropriate for their age group.

For small children, Bennett suggests using phrases like these:

  • "Someone's body has stopped working."
  • "Their body and brain have stopped working."
  • "They're no longer with us."

Avoid confusing your child by using euphemisms like "passing away" and "falling asleep," because you want them to understand that the person isn't coming back.

It can be helpful to have multiple conversations about the loss when asked about it, because young kids can have a harder time remembering that what happened is final, says Bennett.

3. Check in with children frequently

Tracking changes in your child's behavior, especially around significant milestones like birthdays and holidays, is extremely important.

Being present for your child in this way can look like:

  • Using your judgment to decide if they can handle attending funerals or cultural ceremonies
  • Preparing them for what they may see at events like these
  • Connecting them with a mental health professional if their level of sadness or irritability is concerning

Gather impressions from other trusted grown ups, too. "Check in with the other adults that are important in their lives," says Jessica Gomez, a licensed psychologist and executive director of Momentous Institute, a nonprofit that provides mental health services to young children.

"Is the teacher noticing that they're isolating more? Is their caregiver noticing they're not eating the same [or] sleeping the same? Those kinds of red flags."

4. Consider sharing your religious or spiritual beliefs about an afterlife

"Don't be afraid to talk about what happens after we die. That's going to be a different conversation based on a family's beliefs," says Gomez.

Sharing your beliefs about what you think happens after loved ones die can be helpful for your child and give them hope, Bennett says. The thought that someone that a child has lost is somewhere safe or "still with them" may give them peace of mind and help them keep feeling connected.

"It's okay to have those sorts of conversations with kids, too," Bennett says.

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