Pizza Wars

* Billy Bob Thornton has lost his mind.  (A few S-bombs, so not safe for work.)  The fun ends about 10 minutes in.

Why the hell is President Obama flying in a chef from St. Louis (?!?) to make him pizza?  He comes from Chicago, the Pizza Capital of the Universe.  This little story is causing a minor firestorm in the newsroom.  We're all talking about which pizza is best.

Executive Producer Wendy and I like Lou Malnati's.  That stuff is incredible.

Rob advocates Pequod's and says he's also enjoyed Tomato Head.  I've not had either.  About Pequod's, Rob says, "The thick crust is carmelized at the ends.  It's glorious.  It makes the worst part of the pizza (the big crust) the best, but it gives me heartburn. The pepperoni is great."

Zoraida loves Father & Son, a.k.a. Marcello's. (Says Z: "Very thin, a little greasy, mmmmmmmmmmmmm.")

I want to do a pizza tournament with a bracket and everything.  We get every pizza place to bring in a pie and we pit them against each other to find Chicago's best slice.  I'll tell you what joint is going to lose right out of the box: Piece.  What an awful place that is.  They offer mashed potatoes as a topping.  Heresy!  My cousin made me eat a mashed potato slice in November.  I haven't spoken to her since.  Nor will I, ever again.  I refuse to believe common blood runs through our veins.  Mashed potato pizza.  Give me a frickin' break.  Sounds like the kind of idiot stunt they'd try in St. Louis.

Leave your best Chicago pizza recommendations as a comment - click the blog title and scroll down.  If you lead me astray, I shall thump you soundly.  If you lead me to Pizza Paradise, I will sing your praises.  (And if you've had pizza from "Pi" in St. Louis, let me know why the President is so bonkers for it.)

Roger Ebert takes Bill O'Reilly to the woodshed.  Any column that ends on the word "erection" is an instant classic.

Wine on tap?  Monacles fly out of the eyes of vino enthusiasts everywhere.

* I've been informed the JumpSnap has a competitor.  Behold the Cardio Jump!  Exact same thing.  Ropeless jump rope.  Idiotic.

Woman proves her love for the Eiffel Tower by essentially marrying it.  The honeymoon was... graphically uncomfortable.

This dingbat is an "objectum sexual" - a person whose sex life revolves around objects, not people.  (Flashing back to the idea of me violating a toaster from a few blogs back.)

How to handle a bad boss.  Surprisingly, chloroform is not one of their tips.

* Would I stab a dude for farting in my motel room?  Probably.  I can't think of a better use for knives.

* Ever wonder what President Obama watches on TV?

In that article, a professor of pop culture at Syracuse University says, “Anything Obama does is cool by definition."  Not sure about that.  I mean, Obama is clearly a cooler President than Bush.  But I'm not ready to declare him Fonzie.  Hell, even Fonzie jumped the shark

Science!  Modern life is making humans evolve faster.  The article says our descendents may become so advanced, they wouldn't be able to breed with good ol' homo sapiens.  Really?  Well, there goes my sexy time travel fantasy.

* It's official: Having a child ruins your marriage.  My parents had four children, so they're quadruply unhappy.  Yay, us!

This British mom is trying to find someone to have sex with her son.

I don't care what his excuse is, there's no reason for that facial hair.  And why the hell has my mom dropped the ball on this?

Semi-famous blogger marries a guy who left comments on her blog.  Based on yesterday's comments, I guess I'm getting hitched to either Ted, Rich or Candice.

The U.S. Military made Saddam Hussein watch the "South Park" movie.  If you know what happens to Hussein in that flick, you will find that hysterical.

* Looking to gain an edge in the New Economy™, more people are going under the knife.  Worked for Kenny Rogers, right?  He's sold billions of albums since he got a terrifying facelift.  Right?  Right?  (Know when to walk away, Kenny.  Know when to run.)

* I have something monumentally hysterical planned for tomorrow's 4:30 a.m. show.  Tune in or regret it for the rest of your life.

To comment, click the blog title and scroll to the bottom.  E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)

Ben's next improv performance is Saturday, April 18 at 10:30 p.m.  Whiskey Rebellion shreds the Chicago Improv Festival at The Playground (3209 N Halsted).  Tickets are $15.  This is guaranteed to sell out.

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