Monday: The Final Frontier

* Bored out of my mind this weekend, I started rewatching the original "Star Trek" films.  (The new one is awesome, so you must see it in theaters.) 

"The Motion Picture" is a godawful mess.  There's a 10-15 minute section that's just a pan around the Enterprise.  Glorious music attempts to get you amped, but you're just looking at a model for far too long.  It's starship porn.  The characters all seem to have had the life sucked out of them.  This is a truly pitiful film.  Its only redeeming quality is a transporter malfunction scene where you see some people get mangled and rearranged all wrong.  The other 12 and a half hours is deadly boring.

"The Wrath of Khan" is awesome.  Great villain, great lines, great final battle.  And when Spock bites the bullet for the entire crew, that is the stuff great drama is made of.

"The Search for Spock" is pretty bad, mainly because of a Klingon Christopher Lloyd.  But the script doesn't do our heroes any favors.  There's nothing particularly funny or memorable about it at all.  If you've ever driven your minivan to pick your kid up from soccer practice, you've essentially carried out the entire voyage of the Enterprise in this film.  Extraordinary lameness.

"The Voyage Home" seems like it comes from a different franchise altogether.  This is the funny one with the whales set in 1987.  I'm amazed at how casual everyone is about time travel in this film.  It's like, "Yeah, we can time travel."  Well, why not go back before the first movie and save all those ships that got atomized by Vger?  Why not go back and blow up Khan before he goes ape?  That would also save Kirk's son.  None of this occurs to the crew, who just decide to have a feel-good romp in the 80s.  It's a fun movie and a light movie, but time travel should be a much bigger deal.

I may hit the rest of the films next weekend.

God, I need a girlfriend.

At Nerd University, they have classes on socializing, since the student body is so inept.  Good grief.  Where was this class when I was in college?  I wrote my thesis on "How to be Shunned."

The way a mother talks to her child early on determines his social skills later.  I wonder if my total social incompetence is based on that lullaby my Mom used to sing to me.  You know the one - "SHUT UP!  JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!"  Not a really catchy tune, but it sure sticks in my head for some reason.

* Once again, we have another study showing that tall men get paid more than shorter lads.  Every 4" equals an extra 3% in pay.  Same goes for the adult film industry.

China opened, then tore down a sex-based theme park over the weekend.  Tease.

Abuse of child witches is on the rise.  Good.  Beat 'em up before they turn us into newts or something.

12-year-old girl who had swine flu says it's just like a cold.  Funny, you don't really hear about swine flu on the news anymore, huh?  Maybe that's because it's the overexaggerated hype virus I always believed it was.  Note to media: Chillax.

Nearly 9 million people tuned in to NBC to watch a documentary about Farrah Fawcett dying of cancer.  Considering my network's dire straits, it wouldn't surprise me if they try to make this a series.  (Next week on 'Farrah's Death March,' a small speaker tells her and Jaclyn Smith and Kate Jackson  about a revolutionary chemo treatment only available in some exotic locale.)  And of course, when Farrah dies, I'm sure they'll just replace her with Cheryl Ladd and hope no one notices.

* Apparently the reason I simply cannot land a date is because I'm not creepily sitting on park benches waiting to hand out bottled water to women jogging by.

"What to do when Mom moves in."  Suicide seems too obvious, doesn't it?

Surprisingly, no one is jumping on a spray-on condom that takes 2-3 minutes to harden.  Aw, come on, kids!  It's just like Magic Shell for your junk!

Nobody's getting married anymore.  They're just shacking up.  Makes sense to me.  Divorce is expensive.  This makes it much easier for the guy to trade his lady in for a newer model when she starts to break down.

Ladies, you could be hurting your career by not having children.  And if you need help in that department, I know a guy...

* Genius inventor comes up with a bra that shoves your girls up when you're aroused.  Can every bra be this bra?  Please?

Yes, zombies exist.

Statistics show the happiest people on Earth are old Republican men.  Yeah, because when I think of O'Reilly and Limbaugh, I think "happy."

It's raining acid.  Hallelujah.  It's raining acid.  On my face.

Involved fathers lower their kids' chance of having sex early.  Come to think of it, Dad's insistence on being handcuffed to me during every field trip might have had some effect on my romantic prospects.

Late night comedians farm out their joke writing to freelancers.  Or they just come here and steal the jokes for free.  You're welcome, Dave.

Old and busted: Bikini waxes.
New hotness: Nostril waxes.

Okay-looking Romanian girl auctions off her virginity for just over $13,000.  There was no protection involved.  Sexy quote! "I was attracted to him, so I enjoyed it, even though it was quite painful."  Ah, romance.  She wants to see the guy again, "And next time I won't make him pay!"  (Sigh.)  I figure if the economy keeps tanking, I should be able to afford a date with a classy lady like this by maybe 2010.

* And finally, a true class act exits, stage left. 

Ellee was one of the happiest people I've ever met.  Just an honestly nice woman.  It didn't hurt that she was one of the few anchors to appreciate the quality scripts I slid her way.  Ellee was a member of the small band of renegades who brought you the short-lived "Barely Today."  She put her journalistic credentials on the line to have some fun.  And when she played along, she was a blast.

Miss Ellee, I say goodbye with a one bear salute.  You will be missed.

To comment, click the blog title and scroll down.  E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)

Ben performs at the Annoyance Theater this Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the scripted time-travel comedy "Fatallica."  He improvises Sunday at 8 p.m. with the iO Theater's mighty Whiskey Rebellion.

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