Meet the Grant Park Wizard

* Welcome to the website redesign.  The goal is to shove as much content as far to the left as possible.  Mission accomplished.  The new logo appears to involve Pac-Man in blackface.

* If you save money, you will marry a shopaholic.  And vice versa.

* Celebrate Wednesday, the #1 day for suicides!

Tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic.  Especially when they're dropped on you from a great height.

* You subconsciously time your blinks so you don't miss important information.  Although when I'm dealing with women, I must be blinking during the universal sign for "Drop Dead, Creep," because I never catch it.

* When I was 28, I could only dream of opening a strip club in my basement/garage.  Then again, when I was 28, I had neither a garage nor a basement.  But my access to disrobing women remains the same to this very day.

This has been our coldest July in 67 years.  Welcome to Chicago, where July is the new February.  And February is the new "absolute zero."

* Epic moron and Keebler elf-faced goofball Glenn Beck says President Obama is racist.  Is there some way we can get this dope in a steel cage with Lou Dobbs and Bill O'Reilly and have them "Thunderdome" it out?  The winner gets his own island with an enormous perimeter wall and no government to complain about.

* Penny-pinching parents are letting their kids urinate all over the place rather than pay for training pants.  And I discovered I can save a bundle on laundry by never wearing pants!

* Super-bored scientists discover why we swing our arms when we walk.  I'm gonna say 92% of all scientific research done this century has been performed strictly to settle bar bets.

* Are sports drinks worth your money? 

* We get lost in books because our brains perceive the writing in the same way we perceive real events.  "I wonder if the same thing works for this blog," he wondered aloud, moments before a DRAGON swooped from the sky and plucked him away from his computer.  (Was that too intense?  I should have warned you a dragon was going to be involved.)

* Your iPhone can tell you how good (or bad) you are at sex.  This as my iPhone lies bored and lifeless... wondering why it had to end up in a virtual monastery.

* In battle, your hunch can save you.  Except in Chicago, where even your best guess cannot save you in battle against the parking ticket brigade.

NBC just lost Ben Silverman, the man responsible for all those shows your TiVo refuses to record, just on principle.

* You will live the longest if you sleep between 6.5 and 7.5 hours each night.  Or if you work my godawful shift, you will drop dead any day now.

* Reason #1 you should attend the Grant Park movies in the park: This haggard, angry wizard, who I've seen there twice now.

(And when I think of wizards, I think of this.)

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