* "The blog isn't the biggest priority right now." - El Jefe
Not so, sir. The blog IS a big priority. I promised its return today and I am true to my word. Right now, the Peacock's Nest is in a bit of a freak-out over the implementation of our new newsroom computer system. We gave it a pseudo-trial today and it will definitely take some getting used to. Here's the new system in a nutshell...
"Hey, you appear to be a gifted surgeon."
"Thank you."
"How would you like to operate a cement mixer while you perform a tracheotomy?"
"Um, I kinda need to concentrate."
"Great. You'll be in charge of tracheotomies AND cement mixing starting tomorrow."
While I am a skilled surgeon and one hell of a cement mixer, I think this new system leaves something to be desired. Oh, well. At least I'm employed. ("At least I'm employed" is the best anyone can hope for in this economy.)
* I am not man enough to ride a roller coaster on modified roller skates. But this guy is.
* The years have not been kind to Link from "The Legend of Zelda."
* Props to "Best Week Ever" for finding a great bargain on used condoms.
* America's favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate. Our least favorite? Ham.
* Each generation of women is hotter than the last. Then again, the last generation is all old and wrinkly, so that's not much of a feat.
* "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in."
* Red wine makes women horny. Coincidentally, that's the title of Rex Grossman's autobiography.
* You know what every shopping mall needs? A sculpture of a nude family out front.
* Remember Jake Lloyd, the kid who almost single-handedly ruined "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" (were it not for George Lucas' awful script and Jar Jar Binks)? Here he is, all grown up and puffy and nerdy. Yikes.
* Money relieves pain. ...when you convert it into morphine and numb yourself out.
* Sleeping helps women drop their pregnancy weight. Man, some journalists will do anything to convince their husbands to do more of the work.
* 28-year-old woman gets carded when trying to buy a pizza cutter. Wait. What?
* Bad: My allergy to cats.
Worse: This guy's allergy to wi-fi.
* This guy's idea to convert a church into a religious-themed gym holds up until about the fourth paragraph, where his theology gets a little hazy.
* "Lost" is bringing back characters from the first season. Good. Because I wasn't already confused enough.
* Female artist complains that 83% of nude paintings in a New York museum are of women. There's a reason for that, lady. Have you seen a naked man? We are just a godawful mess.
* During my blog absence, I learned how to use Final Cut Pro. Also, I exorcised my first demon. The exorcism required fewer steps.
* I am generally awful with women. This guy is worse. (An excellent investment of four minutes and 28 seconds.)
* Taller athletes are faster. Next thing you know, we're going to learn that the ones with the biggest muscles are the strongest.
* That troll approaching you might actually be a therapist in disguise. "World of Warcraft" is the refuge of the uberdork.
* "Harry Potter's" Daniel Radcliffe grew up surrounded by gays. Or maybe he just thought they were gay because of the British accents.
* How to make Kool-Aid wine. Happy summer, everyone!
* No surprise: Ultra-religious guy is a virgin.
On second thought: Did I mention he's a Heisman trophy-winning quarterback?
* Did that guy's "United Breaks Guitars" song really cost the airline $180 million? I need to write a song about how bad I've been shafted by Chicago's parking ticket brigade. What rhymes with "sodomized"?
* And finally, Jason Piazza moved to Los Angeles this weekend. But before he went, he gave some of the best/worst advice ever. If you confronted your doppelganger, how would you respond?
