* Brains Not Included

* While the Penguins were up on the Red Wings last night, I took advantage of my picture-in-picture feature to keep an eye and ear on "I'm an Embarrassment to My Species, Get Me Out of Here."  It was abysmal. 

Spencer and Heidi are two of the most vapid creatures to walk the face of the earth.  To hear them alternate between dimestore religion and self-centered buffonery is to listen to the sound of your own IQ diminishing.  These jokers were on MTV for how long?  I fear for the generation growing up thinking this is television-worthy behavior.  They're like homegrown Eurotrash educated strictly by fashion magazines.

This was my first long-term exposure to Spencer and Heidi and I pray it is my last.  These two numbskulls appear to be nothing more than human bodies remote-controlled by barely sentient eggplants.  My sudden, rushing hatred of them reorganizes my list of people I'd most like to see dusted with cinnamon and fed face-first to a crocodile with very dull teeth -- "Speidi" now ranks above McG and below that cop who gave me two consecutive parking tickets (and a tow) for parking in a legal space.

Just after "Jungle Parade of Morons" came to a close, Brian Williams appeared for an insightful and well-executed look inside the Obama White House.  Riveting stuff.  My lifeless brain suddenly lurched back to life.  I am considering TiVo-ing part two tonight.  So thank you, Brian Williams, for proving that NBC is still capable of programming that exceeds sub-VH1 standards.

Random thoughts on Part One...

... Obama seems far too relaxed to be the leader of the free world.

... I either hate Rahm Emanuel or love him.  Not sure.  He seems like a jerk, but in a good way?

... Hillary Clinton appears to be the stiffest human alive.  Everyone else is all back-slaps and candy and she's standing there like an animatronic character from Disney's Hall of Runners Up.

... The Prez has a lot of really young staffers.  Hell, I'm 32 and I wouldn't trust me with anything Presidential.

... Yes, you can be excited when the President happens to roll up to the restaurant where you're eating.  But if you stomp up and down and scream and dance around like a child who just got that bike he always wanted, you're going to appear like an imbecile on national TV.  So breathe and be chill, like the dude who just stepped out of that armor-plated limo for a burger.

Ring tones wreck your ability to learn.  Because when your phone goes off, it's hard to study when the class bully is punching you in your face.

You replace half your friends every 7 years.  "Half" would suggest I have more than one.  (Sigh.)

Happiness has nothing to do with wealth.  So cheer up and enjoy poverty all you unemployed losers!

* Brace yourself for the first weightless wedding.  Honeymoon clean-up is gonna be tricky.

* This might be the creepiest/coolest game ever.  The kid in the video game can see you and interact with you.  And he reads your emotions.  Come on, techno-geeks.  Just a little further and I'll never have to interact with another human again!

Social networking websites are giving senior citizens a reason to live.  And once they see all those pictures on your profile, they'll have a reason to die.

* Your blush makes people less antagonistic toward you.  That tears it.  I'm wearing rouge from now on.

Restaurant critic reviews KFC's new grilled chicken.  You know he wasn't assigned to review their Famous Bowls because dead men can't complete their columns.

* Dick Cheney finally gets around to admitting there was no link between 9/11 and Iraq.  In other news, whoops.

* And now, the world's most pointless machine...

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